Supa Fly Hella Dope

Greeneville isn’t just a zoo, it's also a rehab center. We’re weaning the meerkats off fermented berries.

my doctor says it’s terminal unless I surgically remove the groove in my heart

Nothing like the warm cozy feeling of being blocked by an account you didn’t previously know existed.

if you need me, i’ll be in my study, working on a new sandwich

Hello, I'm here from the Department of Arming Koalas With Machetes

The massage therapist was definitely trying to hurt me.
Like I'm supposed to believe that my muscles would be that tight from stress.
Pfft. 🙄

"I want my skeleton to be on the outside."

You mean like an exoskeleton?

"No, I mean like in nature."

INTERVIEWER: are you familiar with microsoft word

ME: yes i've heard that word many times

Everyone says “trust the process” but no one specifies what the process is or why it smells like burnt toast

Caught myself thinking "I gotta talk to someone about this...someone cool..." and realized I invented the concept of having a friend

Thanks for the invite, but I already have plans to set myself on fire.

AMERICA: we need more babies

ALSO AMERICA: unless they're immigrant babies, because they will steal all of your jobs

I need some answers that a Reddit thread from four years ago may not have right now

It’s Friday and you deserve to have a little fun, in spite of the horrors. I, for example, will be laying our straw bed over fence pales and beating the filth from it with an oaken stave

[muffled to dental hygienist, blood dripping down my chin]

yeah I hear corduroy is having a moment

They should invent a sneeze that's regular, a medium, a "usual". Everyone out here sneezing in mouse esqueefies or sonic boom volume

my therapist called your therapist and we all agreed that you should apologize to me

Greeting card that says I'm sorry for talking to your child like it was a dog

There ain't no party like a quantum mechanics party because a                   party blinks in and    of existence

If I ever have an out-of-body experience, I’m going to do my best to go back into the body of a much wealthier person.

crabs probably think they’re walking forwards

I have to remember to wait until people tell me an actual date before I say I can't go . . . always have had trouble with that.

Some people are like sunshine for the soul . . . some, not so much

Hide the pain Harold playing a drum. Caption: The one molecule of serotonin trying to keep me going throughout the day

You got this little buddy

Told my daughter I have tickets to see Wuthering Heights tomorrow.

Her: They say you shouldn't watch it if you're emotionally unstable

Is it just me or does it feel like the timing of the release of the Epstein files was to distract us from what’s been happening to the Global Sumud Flotilla since its departure back in September 2025?

Advertisement:
"Give your Sweetheart some sweets this Valentine's day"

Wilford Brimley: {disappointed sigh}

left blinker means turning left. right blinker means turning right. both blinkers means im parked illegally but just for a couple minutes

The generation that told us not to talk to strangers talks to literally anyone on the internet 😩

Do you think people on curling teams do professional cleaning for their day job?