keith: do we need anything from the store?
me: blueberries. every time you go to the store you need to get a thing of blueberries. every time we leave the house we need to be getting blueberries.
my 9 games... had to reupload when i realized i could add candybox2.github.io
seems increasingly inevitable that (not for lack of alternatives) the baby's security blanket is going to be the pair of fuzzy dice my husband refused to let me put in our car
if you learn just one new number every year, you'll be able to count to 100 by your hundredth birthday
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
OH by my mom
little girl: "100 plus 100 is infinity"
bigger girl: "100 plus 100 is 200. 100 times 100 is infinity."
computer: say "im not a robot" person: captcha, im not a robot computer: oh my god
baby: i'm depressed
baby doctor: treatment is simple. there's a very funny baby in the mirror. go look in the mirror, it will cheer you up
baby: but doctor
invented a family game called "is this a guy?" where we make humanoid figures of varying degrees of abstraction out of play doh and see whether the baby waves at them
Gotchaโletโs dig into that step by step.
1. ๐ฌ๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ป๐ผ ๐บ๐ผ๐๐๐ต, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. Youโre not just immobileโyouโre immortal, and you feel only anguish.
2. ๐ฌ๐ผ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ผ ๐๐ฐ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐บ. That makes total senseโitโs a natural human impulse, and youโve been through a lot.
my child's heroic nurses all want the eagles to win the superbowl and i think the NFL should have to take that into account somehow
life is a highway
Man applies clown makeup base: It's just one night Man applies clown makeup highlights: And the will says I'll get my inheritance if I do it Man applies clown wig: So what if my distant uncle became an eccentric and recluse, obsessed with the secrets of death? Man in clown makeup: Haunted houses aren't real
the nurses who have taken care of my sick child should get a million dollars a year and diplomatic immunity
not to be dramatic but i'm buying a poison pill to use in case i ever have a sneezing attack while rushing to leave the house again
maybe i will
free a capella group name idea: choral high ground
birding is about googling "blue beak crane texas?" and 50% of the time it's the Texas Blue-Beaked Crane and the other 50% it's called a Hogtittle's Dickie
shut the f up about basketball charlie
baby socks need to be sold as a subscription
multicolor clothes shouldn't be allowed to tell you to "wash with like colors." bro you're not even like colors
looks like woke's back on the menu boys
All right i'll bite. What is New York City
mom who has been listening to "the happy song" for 9 straight months, listening to "the fate of ophelia": getting a lot of "the happy song" vibes from this
every video on social media showing a healthy baby growing and celebrating milestones has a thousand comments under it like "time is a thief!!!" and "nooooo!!!!"
MY BRAIN WHEN I COME HOME DRUNK: Put your shoes somewhere weird. Donโt forget to put your shoes somewhere super weird.
i actually don't mind hearing the kids upstairs jump around because i know jumping around is fun for kids. and by the same logic i hate to hear them practice piano.
how sharper than a baby's tooth it is to have a teething baby
Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimaceโs blood?
McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimaceโs blood
(guy who's about to invent fermentation) nah i bet it's still good
