Red

Printed instructions for microwaving a potato with encircled bullet point, “Potato may whistle in microwave.”

for the potato fears not death

Red Trump-style graphic with images of Donald Trump and Andrew Cuomo. At the top it says, "I'm going to pick [Cuomo]." - Donald Trump, 60 Minutes Interview, 11-2-25 Then beneath it TRUMP ENDORSES CUOMO

Congratulations, Andrew Cuomo!

I know how hard you worked for this.

Please, remember to wear your red MAGA hats when you’re in line at your local food pantry.

If a billionaire fell in a forest and there was no one around to hear him, that would be perfect

FOTUS is trending, and I've already used it so much it shows up in my phone's predictive text.
Nice.

Stop. Put on your skates and mittens.

- Vanilla Ice rink

I want to make sure Bluesky sees and loves my dogs.

If a bear attacks you play dead. Unless it’s a koala bear then kiss it right on the mouth

Well, sure, there’s no “i” in team…

But, there’s like, three of them in idiot.

me: i’ve got something i want to say

brain: ok

me: and i need to know the dumbest way to say it

brain: (excited) OK

The image shows a close-up of Coke packaging text indicating "15 Cans" and "3 MORE CANS THAN 12 PACK."

this checks out

Look lady, I’m just here to clean your pool. I take my job very seriously

REMINDER: As President Biden is overseeing an orderly, peaceful transfer of power with the incoming administration, Trump helped orchestrate this violence, and has vowed to pardon these attackers on day one.

These Presidents are NOT the same.

Liberal Indoctrination at Schools includes:

- Tolerance for a person’s differences.
- Respect for an individual’s choices.
- Awareness of climate change.
- Analysis of historic atrocities and those responsible.
- Exposure to concepts and ideas that contradict values taught at home.

can we abort baby new year

Who called it a cub and not the bear minimum?

Me: Just because someone doesn’t immediately respond to your texts it doesn’t mean they hate you.

Brain: ok but ur wrong

Sex with me is like bowling. There’s lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes

“EMO FLOORING” shop

ON SALE THIS WEEK:

- Jimmy Eat Wood
- Parafloor
- My Chemical Remnants
- Floor Out Boy
- The Promise Rug
- Floorboard Confessional

*gently places finger on caroler's lips* you had me at "O come"

Now referring to Parmesan cheese as "zhan" so as to appeal to Gen Z audience.

birds shit, pee, & give birth thru a combined opening that’s why a birdie is called a hole-in-one i guess idk im not tiger fucken woods

“Thank you for coming to my Theodore Talk” is what you say if you’re supes fance

A polar bear leans to peer into the passenger side of a vehicle. Photo is taken from inside the vehicle.

him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir

I saw an old couple in the supermarket using walkie talkies to communicate with each other from different aisles so you can no longer convince me that we have nothing to learn from previous generations

[Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

Jefferson Starship: we built this city on rock and roll.

Building inspector: you did what now?

To review:

ATTORNEY GENERAL: Allegedly paid for sex with multiple women and a 17-year-old girl

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Allegedly raped a woman at a conference in 2017

SECRETARY OF HHS: Allegedly sexually assaulted his kids’ baby sitter

The United States of America in January will be like here’s our new administration.

We’re taking human trafficking to a new level and going to make it a government program.