New lettuce

I just had to weigh myself for a medical form and it's like, I'm not supposed to know my physical weight, I am a concept. How much does a sad ghost weigh? Exactly.

pov from stump remover robot showing pixelated version of my face with text STUMP DETECTED

We’re a firm with two core competencies: the most prestigious fine dining guide in the world, and tires.

90s Captain Ahab: Thar she blows. Thar she blows again.

the economy's leitmotif has been reprised in a minor key,,,

This looks like so much fun. Great costume as always!

“Dead Internet” doesn’t begin to describe the necrotic efflorescences we see today

your clock nonsense has no power where i live. it passed over me like gentle rain on a tin roof

"they died surrounded by their family and friends" and none of them did anything to help? wow

Overheard: "When I worked in Ukraine, my cleaning lady had a hookup with the national opera"

First off, I didn't throw "some bug" at you. I threw my specially trained war scorpion. Secondly, please give it back.

Wife is listening to music and I pointed out that the singer sounds like Bert from Sesame Street and now she's mad at me

I would like to once again direct your attention to the Pizza Hut Oral History

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

uh if you review the listing you'll see i clearly stated that this painting was by Palbo Picasso. note also where it says "all sales final"

Getting really flustered during battle because my sword makes a flirty little "ooh!" sound instead of a "clang" every time it hits another sword.

when you are struggling to come up with a pet name for your significant other

Artax going down a little staircase behind the couch while doing the little queen wave with one hoof

i wasn't picking my nose bro i was pushing all that shit further up

a guy on the train in berlin is wearing a pin badge, of the sort one might wear in support of a band or political cause, but his is in support of the ancient grain amaranth

no brand or anything just Amaranth

Kubrick stare

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

squirrel: hey can i get that acorn in your yard

dog: no can do amigo

squirrel: why

dog: i don’t know but i need you to understand that i have a massive problem with it

My wife just tried to say the pasta salad she made last weekend was a hit. It’s just me and her living here, she can’t talk about food success like that

restaurant manager: hey so, sorry to bother you, but is that a service animal? it's just, we have a policy-

jabba the hutt: je wonna wonga, bazda wahota shonga

salacious b crumb: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

restaurant manager: ah. ok. cool

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

knapping my phone into a perfect paleolithic hand axe

Being knighted by the Dairy Queen, she taps me on each shoulder with a giant milkshake straw