Lemmingdad

Normalize pronouncing DOGE as DOUCHE.

Former First Lady Jill Biden will be at the Super Bowl. She's a fan of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Donald Trump will also attend the game. He's a fan of Russia's Vladimir Putin.

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I say, “oh no I don’t mess with that computer nonsense. It’s from the devil hisself.”

newsflash: a football is only 11 inches long. now who would exaggerate about a thing like that

Do people who celebrate Valentine's Day just not know that they can pretend to love someone whenever they want?

It's like the old proverb says, if you can't find the bag, you're the bag.

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

fedex just delivered my diy lobotomy kit, anyone wanna get crafty with me?

I would like to vote for the reptilian shapeshifters now, please.

Wake me when AI can organize my Tupperware ™

Sorry I emerged mysteriously from the fog and startled your livestock

Every time you walk by a gym, imagine it as a huge ass hamster wheel.

The only accurate foreign leaders photoshop would be Xi and Putin laughing together about how they didn't actually have to do anything.

Sometimes I put tasks I’ve already completed on my to-do list just so I can check them off

i'd like my funeral to be at a theme park and then at the end please make my coffin go down the log ride

I have Lunch Housin' syndrome

I am probably going to skip flying for a while until someone other than a member of "MTV's Real World: Boston" cast is in charge.

For months now, I've had Rose's "APT" and Fugazi's "I'm So Tired" stuck in my head battling for dominance, and the length of time this has been going on, along with the fact that they are such vastly diametric opposites in tone, has convinced me that I may be going insane

just once i'd like to see an owl wearing a neck brace

Finally, it's the last month of January!

Ye curious babies may touch anything on the desk but these commemorative stamping legs of carrier pigeons and if you mind this one commandment shall ye be blessed by little ice packages to soothe the Newton's cradle incident of ought not to have oughtn't you

a picture of a high rise building under construction. on one of the higher floors, a small wooden platform juts out with a port-a-potty placed on it. there are no walls or railings or barriers

this is where i post from

So far, it seems that the strategy for reducing the price of eggs is that there just won’t be any

Guys like joe rogan are funny because they still think smoking weed that they buy legally from places that look like an apple store makes them hunter s thompson

me: so you can't actually swallow the cookies, you just mash them up? you must be starving

cookie monster: cookie is tragic figure, like hungry ghost of buddhist folklore