Adam Star, Master Mind Excello

Even Bouncing Boy.

Iresa my case.

All the power. Suns, cars, this dude’s hat. All of it. The whole universe. Idk, a trillion or so deaths occur from the unplanned, unannounced Concentration of all power. It’s ok because they stopped the gross, cosmic hair balls. And Sack Head learns what a Concentrator concentrates. Everyone wins.

Turns out the Concentrator makes a big, swirly-whirly red spot that is perfect for dissolving cosmic hair balls. It does this by concentrating ALL THE POWER IN THE UNIVERSE for an instant. That energy travels across the expanse of space to the location instantly. How? Science.

They build this fucking thing just in time for Sack Head’s cosmic hair balls. Details of the construction are slim but generally these things involve Superboy and Bob Cobb smelting ores at super speed and shaping machine parts with their bare hands. Shit like that.

Sack Head makes the universe hack-up big, oily intergalactic hairballs all over the LSH. Superboy and Bob Cobb say they can’t stop all of them. I bet they’re just sick of doing everything while teammates hide behind chairs or don’t bounce for the same pay.

Naturally Sack Head is pissed that he got fake news about the Concentrator and can’t Concentrate the hand gun he wanted. So he uses his massive gravity control tech to teach the LSH a lesson. Not sure why he wanted the gun if he controls time and gravity. 🤷‍♂️

That’s because your telepathy is garbage. We know.

Superboy and Bob Cobb do what they should have done before and see the cop they never met before is a fake cop they never met before and the real cop they never met before is just tied up and laying in the parking lot. The fake cop they never met before has a sack head. Burlap is big in the 30th c.

Lightning Lad gets put in that cute little prison pod from the cover but notably without the sweet view of the Earth because it isn’t actually on the moon. That was a lie. Promise broken. Heart broken. 😔

- but it goes right back to Yellow so Lightning Lad, not knowing what else to do, tells the secret of the Concentrator, radiating shame instead of lightning bolts.

Lightning Lad loses his shit in a single panel. He lightning zaps the shit out of the Yellow and turns it blue-

Lightning Lad realizes he’s locked in with Walter and not the other way around. Lightning Lad’s ordeal is, uh, Yellow. Like the very concept of Yellow.

Phantom Girl’s ordeal is Thanksgiving but just for her and the rest of the Legion are pissed.

Bob and the Berts get the best of Walter by realizing they actually like the farts and enjoy feeling sorry for themselves. And for a minute I thought I had a handle on what the Time Trapper, I mean Walter, is even up to but, no, I don’t think I do.

In his most diabolical scheme yet Walter Kovacs puts Bob Cobb in a fart box, invites over creepy twins from Planet Bert and shows home movies of Bob suffering from lead poisoning. Bob briefly wonders who filmed this snuff film but is too overwhelmed by the farts to worry about it.

So. That was fine. Like, why was so much of the story worrying about that? Moving on.

Or the- I mean, all of this bullshit. Actually I would rather read this circus con job Legion story instead of this Concentrator Squid Game, Mort.

Or the time MEL ate all the crops so a monster crop eater couldn’t eat the crops leaving the people with the monster, and no crops. Problem solved.

There’s also the time Starboy made a statue too heavy to be blown away by a wind incapable of blowing Starboy away. I can do that also.

To keep her sloppy thoughts from spilling all over, SG thinks hard about dumb shit her teammates have done. It’s like a clip show of episodes you’ve never seen. Like the time Colossal Boy cheerily killed 3 or more people with his big, dumb net. Jets aren’t birds, idiot.

Rorschach from Space OSHA drops fake Kryptonite on Superboy and it’s whatever. Then my acquired dislike of Saturn Girl reaches the threshold where she literally becomes Victoria Jackson. See?

I knew I had seen him somewhere before.

Superboy, I feel like you’re right on the verge of making an important realization. But what could it be? Hey, wait a minute.

They are forced to eat 1960s cafeteria food and Superboy is starting to freak out about Saturn Girl’s backward telepathy and why he never realized before that her lobes are plugged into the wrong poles or whatever.

Anyway, Violet is fine because she shrinks small behind the chair and can’t be heard saying the secret of the Concentrator cause she’s too damn small! Eight thought balloon bubbles small.

And yeah! That’s a cliffhanger! The Chapter 1 cliffhanger. Buy some Tootsie Rolls, kids. Chapter 2 tease : All this shit! And who is the weakest Legionnaire? Pretending we don’t know it’s Lightning Lad? Or that powerless but fit Bouncing Boy just got lifetime membership for losing his dumb power?

I’m going to be generous and say maybe Violet has done something useful in Legion history by this point, but I’m not sure of that. Anyway, she’s so scared she has to tell the secret - of the Concentrator!

Violet’s ordeal is getting attacked by this guy who is much less fun than the funky Muppets from the tease.

Seriously, this very comic book is probably why there were so many cults in the 70s. Sunboy’s ordeal was breaking mirrors until he was completely fried out. Don’t worry about it.

The total stranger takes the gullible teens to a remote, abandoned prison world and tells them he’s going to brainwash and torture them until one of them tells the secret of the Concentrator and that one has to stay there forever. The Legion is all like, “Of course. We have to!” Comic code approved.