CAPTAIN FRASIER [amazed]: It's a planet made entirely of ice. A gorgeous world, frozen so deeply that even the atmosphere around it has condensed into a solid
DOCTOR NILES: It's absolutely breathtaking.
DAPHNE: What is it with you boys and very cold things?
MARTIN: don't ask
CAPTAIN FRASIER: It appears to be some sort of glowing, sentient, vaporous life form!
DOCTOR NILES: Quick! Frasier! It's a ball of pseudointellectual hot gas, you should know exactly how to communicate with it!
escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop escape time loop
CAPTAIN FRASIER [whispering]: Niles, remind me — is it BetaZOID or BetaZED?
DOCTOR NILES: BetaZED is their home planet. BetaZOID is their species.
FRASIER [straightening uniform] Thank you. Viewscreen on.
NILES: Just as our home planet is EARTH, and your species is CULTURELESS BUFFOON
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Dad, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. This is simply a diplomatic mission.
MARTIN: Yeah? That why we're headed to the sex planet at warp 8?
FRASIER: It's named Risa.
MARTIN: Ah, I don't care what you call it. Just shower when you're done
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Computer. Sherry. Dry
The vibe I bring to the function
CAPTAIN FRASIER: What's wrong, Roz?
ENSIGN ROZ: It's my mom. She's going through "the phase"
FRASIER: Why Roz. I never knew you were part Betazoid!
ROZ: What? No, it's more of a Klingon phase.
FRASIER: ...I'm afraid to ask.
ROZ: She's bitten off three guys' ears this month
AMBASSADOR DAPHNE: Your father's asleep so I'll be popping up to ten forward for a pint.
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Oh? Meeting someone?
DAPHNE: No one in particular, but someone might be able to get me back to their quarters if they're ten forward ENOUGH!
DOCTOR NILES [drops tricorder]
CAPTAIN FRASIER: It's a very important mission! We're going across the galaxy to return an invaluable artifact that was misplaced during a sacred pilgrimage!
MARTIN: What, so a Vulcan forgot his luggage?
CAPTAIN: ...
MARTIN: Cause it sounds like a Vulcan forgot his luggage.
Live
Laugh
Lambrusco
[beep boop]
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Enter.
ENSIGN ROZ [entering]: Hey there, cap. Is it okay if I switch shifts later? I have a date.
FRASIER: Roz—there are only 68 people on this ship. Who could you POSSIBLY be dating?
ROZ: Oh, you know. Whoever picks up the subspace distress signal
Frasier, dressed as Kirk, surrounded by many Eddies instead of Tribbles, obviously tortured by them
MARTIN: How are ya, ya wrinkle-headed SOB? These two didn't believe I knew any Klingons.
K'VAGH: You've not killed either of them yet?
MARTIN: Nahhh, gotta keep them alive. We aren't quite "there" as a species yet.
DOCTOR NILES: We're right here, Dad.
MARTIN: Don't remind me.
ENSIGN: It's a Klingon ship, sir.
MARTIN: Klingons? Lemme talk to 'em! Klingons love me!
CAPTAIN FRASIER: [chuckling] Sure, Dad. They're probably preparing the tea ceremony for you right now.
NILES: [giggles] Do you have your Bat'leth?
VIEWSCREEN: MARTY!
MARTIN: K'VAGH!
DOCTOR NILES: Damnit, Captain. I'm a doctor, not a 2012 Domaine Leroy Musigny Grand Cru
MARTIN: C'mon, they're just Klingons! What's the worst they could do?
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Oh I don't know, Dad, drain our blood for their drinks? Flay the flesh from our bones?
MARTIN: [Walking away on space cane] Pffft. As if you have any of that left after the divorce
CAPTAIN FRASIER: I DO so wish Maris had been able to join us for dinner here on the surface.
DOCTOR NILES: Oh, you know how it goes. One mention of the transporter and she swoons so hard her molecules phase halfway through the bed
Captain's log, stardate 77301.4
Lilith
[Gets stuck in a time loop for 80+ years]
CAPTAIN: Oh, for GOD'S SAKE
Describe a Star Trek episode poorly but accurately.
The crew can't seem to stop playing poker
Frasier, dressed as Kirk, surrounded by many Eddies instead of Tribbles, obviously tortured by them
NILES [under his breath]: Jeez. Sam and Rebecca, when they got a room
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Hail the Tamarian vessel!
ENSIGN: Channel open.
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Sam and Diane, wed in the Bar! Sam, when the walls fell.
TAMARIAN: Norm, waiting for Cliff during a snowstorm?!
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Sam. (A tear forms in his eye) When Diane returns in the finale
CAPTAIN FRASIER: For the last time, Eddie cannot run the transporter console!
MARTIN: Sure he can! Get up there, buddy.
[Eddie jumps up and materializes several bones onto the pad]
FRASIER: I'll be damned.
MARTIN: Great job, pal! [To captain] He can only get the bones for now though
DOCTOR NILES: I'm in love with her, captain. She's more than the sun and the moon— she's the stars, the nebulas, the universe itself!
AMBASSADOR DAPHNE: Oh don't mind me, just heating me kettle on the warp core
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Well. She's at least a black hole of some sort
Captain's log srardate. Star-- stardate. 77something point something
The synthahol
Neebs adjusting
The scrambled eggs. They're calling again
CAPTAIN FRASIER [tapping his communicator]: Ensign Roz, what is our location?
ENSIGN ROZ: We're two point two light-years from Risa, or about halfway up your own--
CAPTAIN FRASIER [tapping his chest so hard he obviously hurts himself]: Thaaaank you Ensign Roz
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Dad. What is that chair doing on my bridge?
MARTIN: Isn't it great? Niles said the replicator could only make one, but it can make as many as I want!
DOCTOR NILES: (beleaguered) He's put one in every turbolift
CAPTAIN FRASIER: Seal off decks 9 through 14!
ENSIGN: I'm reading lifesigns on deck 12!
MARTIN: (walking onto bridge) Oh, that's just Eddie, searching for mice
CAPTAIN: Dad! We don't have mice in space!
MARTIN: Well HE doesn't know that, HE'S no astronaut!
[audience laugh]
