Alan Machnik

When you decide on 'Operation Epic Fury' because 'Operation Impotent Spacehopper' was already taken.

I always enjoy the food on the day after Pancake day. Just had a pancake for lunch, and looking forward to a nice pancake curry for dinner.

I just tried Beer-Battered Frog's Legs. They were nice, but all I could taste was hops.

A guy in the pub told me how he explained spreadsheets to someone he was incarcerated with back in the late 90s. Turns out they are still Excel mates to this day.

Whilst watching a porn movie last night, I saw a male pornstar who looked exactly like me. Turns out he's my doppelgangbanger.

It's only a few minutes into 2026 and I've already said 'Beetlejuice' twice 😕

Why isn't the period between Christmas and New Year called the Merryneum?

For Christmas this year I've given my family ultimatums.

My mate is obsessed with medical dramas according to his children; Grace, Anna & Tommy.

I'm looking forward to the Stranger Things spin-off which is a period drama, called Upside Downton Abbey.

I have a sore neck from spending last night sleeping on the sofa.
It turns out it's not funny to suggest a Nando's would alleviate the symptoms of Peri-perimenopause.

I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters.

No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.

My addiction to Baby Powder has gotten so bad that I have to attend regular meetings of Talcoholics Anonymous.

It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.

Saturday night 🤘🏻😎

If you don't want me to knock it over onto the floor don't write 'Tip Jar' on it.

I still can't believe they split and one of them became 50 Cent.

Our microwave is a real humdinger.

I feel like a million doll hairs.

Scooby Doo's favourite takeaway...

My abacus has been broken on countless occasions.

Pretty sure this is some sort of Hate Crime...

Kickstart
Terry & June
Airwolf

Prickpoul, surely...

I’m a Hobophobe, I don’t like dogs that wait until tomorrow to see if they want to settle down.

Son: Dad. Where does gammon come from?

Dad: There, son...

What's the most dangerous dessert in the world?

Russian Roulade.

The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.

Today I bought a Cool Dry Place, but I've no idea where to keep it.

I bought some REM polish for my front door. I've now got a shiny, happy peephole.