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'Bottle tombola', and 'bottle tombola prize-winner (always the shampoo, never the whisky' Stall selling books, in front of bags of 'books deemed unsuitable' Tables: 'plants' and 'slightly dubious plants' Woman singing 'hymn karaoke' Clothing stall: 'person purchasing clothing donated by spouse', nearby 'person redonating clothing purchased by spouse' 'Cake being bought out of compassion' Empty chairs: 'brass band (running late)' 'Guess the number of lost gloves' 'Church ferret stunt team'

The Church Fete

Taken from the book How to Avoid the Peace. Find more cartoons from the book here: https://cartoonchurch.com/content/cc/category/how-to-avoid-the-peace/

'Sleuth' - person holding a magnifying glass 'Conserve' - person window-cleaning 'Catch up' - person ironing 'Clean' - person up a ladder, cleaning 'Pray' - person praying 'Reorder' - person moving seats 'Create' - person at an easel 'Get fit' - person doing a handstand 'Hibernate' - sleeping person 'Hide' - person hidden 'Role play' - person roleplaying 'Explore' - walking up some stairs 'Practise' - person at organ 'Take a book to read, but end up looking at your phone' - person on phone

The Open Church: How to Spend the Time When You're on Duty

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Three rows with six panels each, from left to right: Please leave kitchen tidy Nigel said he's leaving Need lots more helpers Where is my platter? Some hymns are unknown That isn't your cupboard Kids made some noise When is the fete Can we ban skateboards? I hate the coffee Churchyard is looking unkempt No progress on WIFI Quote needed for guttering Crockery has gone missing Mice live in vestry Youths broke toddler toys Whose is that umbrella Has anyone seen Elsie?

Any Other Business

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'Newcomers are given a welcome pack' - man holding a large stack of paper 'This contains the rules and regulations' - "Thou shalt not: err, sin, lapse, shout, whoop, giggle, daydream, chatter, shirk, stray, sleep, slump." 'The standing order form' 'The volunteering form' - "Jobs you'd like to do (please tick all) PCC, Sunday School, Intercessions, Youth Club, Treasurer, Hard labour, Heavy toil" 'The small print' - woman reading small print 'And the combination code for the toilets - "3339"

The Welcome Pack

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The cartoon depicts a toddler group taking place in a church hall. There are parents and carers in chairs around the edge of the room, engaged in conversation, some paying more attention to the toddlers than others. The floor is completely covered with toys: puzzle pieces, a doll's house, pens, pencils, dolls, cars, trucks, trains, boats, musical instruments, stuffed animals, and all kinds of block stacking paraphernalia. The toddlers play on the floor amongst the chaos.

The Toddler Group

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People in a line with a hand raised 1: 'Lost in worship', person with their eyes closed 2: 'Bored and stretching', person mid-yawn 3: 'Waving to a friend', person smiling 4: 'Objecting to the sermon', person looking disgruntled 5: 'Wishing to be excused', person looking in discomfort 6: 'Doing the actions to the children's song', person singing 7: 'Altering a sidesperson', person looking to make eye contact with sidesperson 8: 'Trying to get a signal', person holding a phone in the air

Hand Signals

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The: vicar/youth group/congregation/choir/flower arrangers Is/Are: running/abseiling/living in a tent/selling cakes/crawling For: 100 miles/24 hours/a month/as long as it takes/ever Whilst: wearing fancy dress/singing all of the hymns/telling jokes/juggling/rattling a tin Please: donate/sponsor/purchase a raffle ticket/buy tea and a cake/stay away

Fundraising: Event Idea Generator

Please feel *no* obligation to give this cartoon credit for any of these, unless of course they work.

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From left to right: In the vicarage door; in the font; in the car; on the photocopier; in the pulpit; in the bin; in the pub; under a pew; in the church that held deanery synod; on the hook; on the sofa of the baptism family; in the safe; in the dog's basket; up the tower; in the children's musical instruments box; were there ever really any keys?; in yesterday's cassock; wherever you last saw them.

Where Are My Keys?

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Panel 1, 'The beams are rotten and could collapse at any moment': Four people looking at a decaying beam Panel 2, 'Our most precious artefacts have been stolen': A woman speaking to three people, in the speech bubble there are goblets, plates, candles, and a sign reading "Ladies' Guild" Panel 3, 'The organist and the churchwarden have gone missing simultaneously': An organ and pews, unattended Panel 4, 'Someone has eaten all of the biscuits': Three shocked people looking at an empty biscuit tin

Terrible Discoveries

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Cartoon of a church, partially interior, partially exterior. 'Clergy taking a post-holy week nap' 'Flower arrangers awaking from hibernation' 'People who made the sunrise service feeling pleased with themselves' 'Easter bonnet' 'Queue to retrieve items forbidden during lent from the vestry safe' 'Easter bunny' 'The only child to turn up doing quite well at the Easter egg hunt' 'Occasional churchgoers looking for the way in' 'Neighbours woken by joyful noises'

The Easter Service

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Pie chart: The biggest piece: 'Thrown away (church bin) Mostly equally sized pieces: 'Thrown away (home bin)' 'Thrown away (relatives' bin)' 'Deposited on top of a cupboard' 'Left on public transport' 'Disintegrated on way home' 'Distributed to the elderly' 'Displayed on relatives' walls' Somewhat smaller piece: 'Stuck to the fridge before being "stolen" by "art thieves"' Much, much smaller piece: 'Sold at auction and displayed in a gallery'

Children's Craft Items: What Happens to Them

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Outdoor Activities Panel 1, 'The Parish Picnic*'; a group of people sitting on picnic blankets, eating together. Panel 2, 'The Benefice Barbeque*'; a group of people gathered around a barbeque, grilling food. Panel 3, 'The Parish Pilgrimage*'; a group of people following three members of the clergy. Panel 4, 'The Benefice Bike Ride*'; two people riding bicycles. *to be held in the church hall owing to a certain amount of uncertainty over the weather (all activities are occurring indoors)

Outdoor Activities

How have you been enjoying the weather?

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Church Membership: The Benefits Panel 1, captioned "Use of the secret members-only lounge": a woman being served a drink by a man. Panel 2, captioned "Previews of sermons the night before release": a small crowd gathered by a computer screen. Panel 3, captioned "A 'get out of a rota free' card": a woman displaying a card to two flower-arrangers. Panel 4, captioned "Priority lane at after-service coffee": a man walking past a long queue of people, getting to the coffee before them.

Church Membership: The Benefits

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Cartoon showing different possibilities for a church weekend away depending on budgets; depicted are location, transport, speaker, and food. Budget: own church; walk; the vicar; bring your own packed lunch. Standard: retreat house; coach; the ex-vicar; canteen meal. Standard plus: retreat house with view; coach with a loo; minor Christian celebrity; plenteous buffet. Luxury: hotel in major world city; something involving a chauffeur; international church leader; up-and-coming chef.

The Church Weekend Away

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Panel 1: 'Lock it', a church guarded by barbed wire and tall gates. Panel 2: 'Leave a key somewhere', a convoluted map explaining directions to a church key Panel 3: 'Leave it open, but monitored', the inside of a church with a figure poorly hidden by a noticeboard Panel 4: 'Leave it entirely unattended', hymn books being stolen by two masked figures; a chart depicting the value of lead going down, and the value of hymn books going up

Weekdays: What to do With Your Church Building

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