Dracula's Mustache

#newpope

I'm rewatching Age Of Ultron for the first time in a few years. It wasnt great then, and it hasn't aged well. It's bad in such a Weadony way. I'm sitting around by myself, making fun of it.

"Fury, you son of a bitch."

"Ooh, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"My mother died in 1936, sir."

I know what they mean though. Like how a musical saw or a theramin feels spooky to some people. Or the call of a loon. That was his vibe. Spooky isn't a bad thing to be. I aspire to spookiness, but I'm too loud.

Dog-ee.

Worse at hands than ai. Damn.

Memento cheese. It's a tasty dip, but you'll forget the recipe if you don't write it down.

(This was terrible, and I am genuinely sorry. Unless you laughed.)

#dadjokes

“Why is Elon’s coup not on the front page of the New York Times???”

idk, probably because the NYT is a puzzle game app that happens to also release articles about how trans people aren’t real but are also somehow a menace. It’s like asking why there isn’t a sonnet printed on your toilet paper

Lent doesn't start until March?? Damn. I wanted a Popeyes fish sandwich.

Almost like they have a vested interest in not stopping it. Think of how good this will be for fundraising.

18 cage free, vegetarian fed eggs...$7. 12 regular eggs...$7.25. Why would anyone buy the regular eggs. I don't understand people.

Vulva. Huge vulva on his neck.

They'll always be on a tightrope because they're centrists. Don't wanna go left, so they either capitulate or do nothing.

The same genius who thought tunnels can't flood.

But they're so messy. The real hack is cutting them in half and making a little sandwich. Watch me explain this in a reply video that's way longer than it needs to be so it can be monetized.

This is very "Mussolini made the trains run on time".

🎶I want a girl with a Dracula light switch🎶

It took me a long moment to realize this was a cat moving toward the camera, not a goose looking away.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, and those who can remember the past are like, what the hell, man?

That's just one of many ways I'd be dead if I was born more than 50 years earlier.

I moved the shortcut for this app to the home page of my phone. It's where the app for the front door of my building was. Its icon is also a butterfly, oddly enough. Surely this won't cause problems.

That's when you need a stick.

The worst is when they make you flip back through the calendar month by month. I'm almost 508 months old. I don't have time for that.

The one I got as a kid was "You're a jew, but you're alright". Gee thanks? You're in middle school and already antisemitic? Your parents must be so proud and awful.

Matthew Chapman (@fawfulfan) "Under Trump's executive order, every single person in America is now legally classified as female. "All embryos begin by y developing female sex organs, with male sex organs only replacing them at around 6 weeks of gestation" Image: Official White House announcement - "(d) "Female" means a person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the large reproductive cell. "(e) "Male" means a person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the small reproductive cell."

Hell yea

Leopards, face. Face, leopards. Again. Fuck. Learn, ever.

He's just Tim Curry. He's too himself to be anything else. In the best way. If I was forced, I guess Frankenfurter?

Foods made of other foods are nasty.

Every once in a while, I remember that granola was originally called Granula and it was a brand name. Then Dracula came out and the company realized that Granula sounded like vegan Dracula.

Some of this is true.