Baby Diary (Ͼ˳Ͽ)

And FYI to Dada: If I’m hugging you with my legs extended completely straight, I am in fact, pooping. 💩

Get ready to change me!

Me: *Approaches Dada and gives him a hug*

Also me: *Toooot* 💨

Dada:
Did you hug me just so you can fart?! Gross! You know, you’re sooo like me. When you learn manners and social norms, it’s going to take away all of the fun.

Dada: “Don’t put your finger in my mouth. You tried to touch your poopy bum!”

Exactly. Glad that you get it. 👍🏻

Dear Diary. Dada says that by grownup standards, I’d be certifiable 🤪

- blowing bubbles in soup
- flipping bowls and plates
- licking the table
- throwing food when I’m finished
- screaming poops
- poking people’s eyes
- trying to kiss every stranger
- trying WWE moves on Mama

Grownups are boring!

Dear Diary. I love strawberries!! 🍓

#foodie #babylife

Dear Diary. My parents think I’m a sweet girl, sharing my blueberries as I pop them into their mouths.

What they don’t know is that I taste the blueberries first for sweetness. If it’s too tart, I’m sending them straight to Mama’s or Dada’s mouth.

#SharingIsCaring #foodie #babylife

Dear Diary. Dada wants me to grow up to be a strong woman, but then he also tells me to “be gentle” when I knee-drop and elbow-drop on Mama.

Is he giving me mixed messages, or is there something I’m not understanding about strength?

#strongwomam #strength

Me: *Wrestling away from new diaper*

Dada: You have to put on a diaper because 💩 while going commando is super gross.

——————————————-

Hypocrite, much? I know what you ate last summer.

Dear Diary. I’ve been out for a year now. This world is both strange and wonderful!

I love it all (mostly) and I can’t wait to see more.

#babylife

Dear Diary. So all of this month was just foreshadowing for today.

All of the lights and songs, everywhere Mama and Dada took me.

I still don’t know what is going on, but I do like wrapping paper and tags.

Dear Diary. Dada said “Thank you for your germs!” after I put my drool-covered straw in his mouth.

I was glad that my helping out with upgrades to his old immune system didn’t go unnoticed…until I found out what sarcasm is.

I got him sick twice already, and I’m just warming up.

#babylife #germs

Dear Diary. Dada is excited to play fetch with me. He gives me the ball, I throw it, and he has to go and get it for me.

#babylife #fetch

Dear Diary. My parents think it’s “cute” that I try to grab a spoon they’re feeding me with, while I’m already holding two other spoons.

I think it’s cute that they think there’s a limit to how many spoons I can use.

#foodie #babylife

Me: Coughing and gagging after Dada puts a bib on me.

Dada: “Ahh, c’mon! It’s not even touching your neck!”

#feedingtime

Me: Coughing and gagging after Dada pushes rumbling gas out of his colon.

Dada: “Oh, c’mon! You’re too far away to smell it that quickly!”

#methane #gas

Dear Diary. It’s been a couple of months since I started dropping logs and rolling over on the change mat. Dada is now a little more nervous during diaper duty.

Like, dude, you’d prefer I just lie down in my diaper gravy? No, thanks. Drop and roll. That’s my strategy. Keep up.

#babylife

Dear Diary. So what if I prefer to mash my bananas in my hands instead of in my mouth? I only have 2 teeth anyways!

#foodie

Dear Diary. Dada says I’m like a dog sometimes.

I have long, stringy drool that oozes towards the ground when I’m feeling content.

When I’m feeling excited, my breathing turns into a heavy pant.

I lick people’s faces.

But guess who eats food that has fallen on the floor? Dada!

#dogs #doglife

Dear Diary. My parents always say I’m cat-like.

Yes, I like to push things off ledges.

Yes, I like watching videos of birds and squirrels in a bird bath.

Yes, I love body warmth for naps.

But guess who makes “meow” sounds every time they see anything resembling a cat? You guys!

#cats #catlife

Dear Diary. Having solid 💩 kind of sucks.

I push and I scream with all my might, thinking this has got to be really big…and all I get is a hershey’s kiss!

There I was, imagining breaking world records, ready with Guiness on speed dial.

#solid

As it turns out, I got Dada sick. Oops. 🙊

Dear Diary. I caught my first cold last week. So I thought I’d update my Dada’s moon systems. 🌕

I climbed up his chest and headbutt-slobbered into his open mouth. Instead of a thanks, I get an “eww, gross”!

Like, you’re welcome. You won’t be catching the T-Virus anytime soon.

#germs

Dear Diary. So my parents always laugh when they catch me kissing and slobbering all over the mirror for minutes at a time.

I really don’t get what’s funny about wanting to rescue the very cute baby trapped behind the glass.

Like in the fairytales, maybe a kiss will break the spell?

#fairytale

Dear Diary. Mama and Dada now take turns putting me to bed. Sometimes I wake up and one of them is in the room with me, and not necessarily who I fell asleep with.

I might be asleep, but I can tell which one is Dada. He thinks he’s sneaky with his silent flatulence.

#smelly

Dear Diary. Apparently, I like to throw things on the floor. Especially things that go in my mouth.

I do it so often in fact, that Mama is tethering things to me so they don’t get floor germs. 🦠

#babylife

Dear Diary. I am a cheerful, happy baby…as long as I get what I want! 💁‍♀️

Dear Diary. When I’m trying to protest my displeasure, Dada will sometimes pat my back, making my voice appear choppy.

Like, I’m trying to be serious but instead end up sounding silly. Ugh!

#babylife #protest #silly

Dada, silently carrying me: …

Me, pulling his beard: screech!

Dada, opening mouth: ouch!

Me, putting slobbery, wet fingers in his mouth: hahaha

Eat my baby germs, Dada! 🦠

#babylife #beard #slobber #transfer

Dear Diary. Dada’s eyes looked sad as he walked me in the stroller yesterday. He said he’s “going back to work tomorrow”. I didn’t know what that meant.

Today was awful. He wasn’t able to constantly shower me with love and attention! Is this what he meant?

#babylife #babyblues

Yelp review for Dada.

Only for the eclectic palate. A roller coaster of chef’s choice, you’ll never guess if he’ll serve up purée, mash, or whole food. The zucchini sticks and yam fries are amazing and mess-free.

Say 🚫 to bottle. It could be formula, not always 38°C.

6.5/10

#foodie #foodreview