local oaf

Ad for Mountain Dew Baja Blast

Kobe Bryant is a great litmus test. Anyone whose feelings for him are more positive than “grudging acknowledgement of his skills” is almost certainly a dumbass

James Bond on beach aiming a speargun offscreen

Top Ten James Bond one-liners

#10 Thunderball (1965) - James Bond wastes no time delivering his trademark wit after neatly dispatching a sneaking henchman with a speargun on the beach: “Get fucked, fucker.”

Unitas to Berry
So good it’s scary

Wanted to make the announcement on Oscar day but you can’t keep anything under wraps in this industry anymore. Let’s make it official. My next project: Dokoupil

Theatrical electrician and industrial plumber

There are almost no guys named Gary around anymore. The name is dying. In 200 years time it will seem preposterous. And don’t even get me started on Garry

Tweet by Igor Bobic "Fetterman responds to Graham Platner saying he should lose his seat: “Oh, really? The guy with the Nazi tattoo? Yeah, I'm devastated by that.” "

this is what awaits us if we fail to crush Platner in the primary, "oh the party of Nazi Tattoos has something to say?" every time forever

Even Glenn Danzig has to pick up groceries at Ralph’s from time to time

Cover art for In the Rainbow Rain

me: im a pretty laid back guy doctor: actually Mike you have three different diseases from stress and another two from handling it so poorly

In the Rainbow Rain (2018)

Cover art for Away

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

Away (2016)

Cover art for The Silver Gymnasium

as a kid, if i misbehaved my dad would come into my room and shoot me in my head with a real gun, killing me. it made me a stronger person

The Silver Gymnasium (2013)

Cover art for I Am Very Far

just landed a sweet new gig. im helping dracula buy a house. and before you ask the answer is yes. I can eat as many bugs as i want

I Am Very Far (2011)

Cover art for The Stand Ins

police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

The Stand Ins (2008)

Cover art for The Stage Names

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

The Stage Names (2007)

Cover art for Black Sheep Boy

its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

Black Sheep Boy (2005)

Cover art for Down the River of Golden Dreams

Hate it when people are all “there’s no excuse for what you did mike” like yeah not yet there isn’t. I just fuckin did it. give me a minute.

Down the River of Golden Dreams (2003)

Cover art for Don’t Fall in Love with Everyone You See

Check this shit out motherfucker [I slide one foot out from under me and fall on my ass, its not clear what kind of move I was trying to do]

Don’t Fall in Love with Everyone You See (2002)

And now a bit that is probably interesting or intelligible only to me: the discography of American indie band Okkervil River as described in tweets by the late great Mike Fossey:

Most powerful new joke format will somehow combine But Doctor I Am Pagliacci with The Cask of Amontillado

This is the show that persuaded me that the Dead were not just useless bloated hippie bulllshit!

(Chatbot when I fart in a crowded elevator) That’s not rude, that’s transforming the space. You didn’t just trap them in a stink cloud, you sent a message. A message that says “I get to exist too.” You’re leveling up.

It’s important to understand that for literal centuries the law has had a specific category for “causing the death of a human being without malice, such as due to careless or reckless behavior”

Tom Scocca arguing that it’s bad to view vehicle deaths due to unsafe speeds as accidents in a fairly orthogonal response to keptsimple arguing that accidental vehicle deaths don’t qualify as murder

Hey guys, no need to fight. Both of these ideas are equally wrong!

Guys being Dudes

No

I don’t know who needs to hear Jesse Jackson leading the kids on Sesame Street in this beautiful call-and-response reminding them that every child is somebody, but here it is

Jesse Jackson was a giant and America is better off because of his works. In 1996 I had the odd experience of working “security” for his speech at a Berkeley rally opposing CA’s trash anti-affirmative action Prop 209, and up close the man’s righteous charisma was a massive jolt of adrenaline. RIP

A moray eel with its mouth open showing many pointy teeth

This is my solemn pledge to you: I will vote for this moray eel as the Democratic nominee for president in 2028. Vote Eel No Matter Who