Me: lucky number seven, the luckiest number there is…
Neil deGrasse Tyson busts through the wall like Kool-Aid Man ready to point out the folly of my superstition. I accounted for this and placed the pit accordingly. He will agree to change his behaviour before he is released.
me: *being murdered*
everyone else on the conference call: can you mute your line
[completely drunk on cooking wine]
CHAMPAGNE SUPAHNOVER IN THIS GUY
Going to the zoo in vibrant colors just to dunk on the zebras
[finding marshmallows in the cupboard]
me: hey why did you buy marshmallows
wife: i didn’t
mulder: (appears out of nowhere) actually…no one has bought marshmallows since 1966
scully: (right next to him) why don't you two have a seat
wife: why did you send $30 to Dave?
me: *terrified Venmo will finally out me for saying hog log instead of hot dog* cocaine
Modern furniture that looks an awful lot like a green pepper piece from a pizza.
*picking this couch off my pizza*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
big day coming up for people who like dinner
[getting high]
me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
friend: wait, u mean-
me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere
JIGSAW: all your life you've really drowned people to death in urine by being late all the time
VICTIM: boy I don't like where this is going
that famous image of george bush receiving the news about 9/11 but he's sitting at the hot ones table with some sauce on his mouth
alternate timeline where instead of reading to children on 9/11, george bush was in the middle of filming hot ones
*Batman’s mechanic who really hates Bruce Wayne* hey Mr. Batman, I installed that night driving feature in the Batmobile so you can run over that prick Bruce Wayne and he’ll never see you coming
Hooray and hello!! :)
"Name this band." posted by a journalist who posts far-right opinions, captions a photo of JD Vance and his entourage in front of an airplane. This is quote tweeted by me, with the caption "Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
Screenshot of a Twitter message that says: Your account is suspended After careful review, we determined that your account broke the X Rules. Your account is permanently in read-only mode, which means you can't post, Repost, or Like content. You won't be able to create new accounts. If you think we got this wrong, you can submit an appeal.
Sometimes it do be like that.
Mount Blue Sky.
Getting horny on main is not enough. I must
Me: *plopping my support hippo on the bench next to me*
Judge: Jail.
Returning to your office job after a vacation feels exactly like when a dragon demands a willing sacrifice
practicing self-care by slipping into a giant pan of warm lasagna and pulling the top noodle up like a blanket
We, as a society, have given the morning people far too much power
Cooking up a big batch of groundhog meat for my Super Bowl party.
*climbing into a little red tote bag and waiting to be DoorDashed somewhere nice* Hehe!
What if the All-Madden Team is just a team that consists of all Maddens? What is their purpose? How can we stop them?
The best video game crossover of all time is when Rich Gannon from Madden 2003 was also the bad guy in The Legend of Zelda.
*At the weed store* I'll have an instagram thank you.
Me: I wanna buy some weed
Dealer: How much?
Me: Oh man, I wanna buy it SO BAD
Well, yet again she chose the confident guy before even seeing the magic act I prepared for her.
I like when you signal a truck driver to blare their horn and when they reach up the orangutan tickles them in the armpit
Dave please be careful Ellen takes it very seriously when you accuse her of being funny.
