The Pale Space Rider

prank your neighbors by blowing up your house

you can tell a lot about a person by stealing their personal files

(first guy to skydive)

guy: i’m going to jump out of this plane

me: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

guy: it’s okay. i got a really big blanket in my backpack

me: *donating my body to science* best of luck

you got this

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm...okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

anything carpeted is a crime. rugs exist and are fairly straightforward to clean

finally dawned on me a lot of the people i was around in that environment needed religion to tell them not to be predatory and aweful to their fellow man

nothing about the chronology encapsulated and recorded made sense. the religious text contradicts itself every other page

almost all their religious rules came from out of context parts of the old testament, which the new testament (jesus’s supposed teachings) entirely invalidated

they would memorize a handful of select passages out of context and bring them up at random points in conversation like they did something

the people teaching me hadn’t read the book they were teaching and it was painfully obvious after i actually read the damn thing

put my fingerprints in someone’s house to frame them for murder

if a guy is ignoring the speed limit where kids play, throw me out in front of his car

defraud an insurance provider

cut iff my hand and pretend you served it in the chili you brought to the block party

fire me from a cannon over a state fair

put me in a wall and ask a contractor to redo the walls

weekend at bernies me or nothing

when i die, i want to donate my body to comedy bits

me: a bear is just an angry couch

park ranger: sir, get slowly off the bear

me: *snuggling in* no

hey babe this teriyaki sauce expired in (checks label) 2019 but were you keeping it for a specific purpose

they stole an hour from women

so she could do her make up before becoming a nazi?

“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

there are a lot of us. we’re just too depressed to leave the house

*living in 2026 with a cellphone*

good god, man. i want a president who does nothing at this point. like a golden retriever or a funny seal

*wondering how much gold and diamonds i will need to sell to fill my honda pilot a couple times over the next few years*