“Super Mario was based on an Italian man I saw die in an accident on a construction site. I thought to myself, ‘What if that man had been killed by a gorilla, rather than negligence?’ - Shigeru Miyamoto
Happy Mario day!
went to my childhood home recently and had a chance to sit down and really talk openly with the bogeyman in the basement. pretty decent guy actually and very sensitive. all those times he chased me up the stairs he just wanted connection. we did a pretend chase for old times sake
You shouldn't text and post at the same time 💙
Neither being a girl, not hot, i feel better about myself regardless
"Hot girls hit curbs" i whisper to myself as I take u-turn too shallowly
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.
[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]
…bunk coffins
[my wife doing stacked hands motion]
like…double decker
my new year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating
the worst part of going bald has to be letting go of your ratatouille fantasy
look i’m a normal guy, i like one scoop of vanilla ice cream, i sit in chairs cowgirl style, i’m just like you
A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."
Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.
"Abandon hope all ye who enter here"
- current houseplants to the new ones
Then what happened
"Your bank account is lying to you" OK but that's the only economic indicator I care about
Gimmie a raise or you go timeout
Corn Dogocracy
Discovered today that the most insulting thing you can say about a pancake after "burned" and "hard" is "healthy"
Phone cases ate like little suits that your phone wears
Be honest, how would you rate me
The Department of Defense became The Department of War until it was actually time for war just like I was CEO Boss Lady Powerful Woman until it was time to do tough employee reviews and then I was just baby angel
Some argue that daylight savings is good. Some argue that daylight savings is bad. I would argue that whatever time of day it is... is none of my business.
bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece
My aunt shared some extremely old family marriage certificates & I found myself wondering about my grandparents lives. Then my own marriage certificate arrived. My heart swelled knowing someday relatives will find it, see the Halloween date & instantly know their ancestors were absolute weirdos.
You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?
It's international women's day so if I've ever made you laugh you owe me an international woman
I can't find the button for that on venmo
Thinking of galavanting
Kerfuffling like a boss
SIR
Guess what, I painted my garbage can
