Asstown Baker

The last time I baked a man cookies, he stole my good Tupperware.

My parents don’t have a door on their master bathroom which is the kinkiest thing I’ve ever seen

Picard sure loves to wear a slutty little robe

If I were a rich lord oh the fucking goblets of wine I would drink,while I did lordly shit and thought grand thoughts of balls and ladies and shit like that

No one, ever:

Me, high af and watching Bridgerton: twill be a cold day in hell when I make my return to the marriage mart and out of the sweet sexy embrace of spinsterhood

After the week I had, I'm getting so fucking stoned tonight.

Three thin mints, so yes bring it on

Yes, would you like to buy any from my daughter’s troop? 🍪🥴

….is it an actual thin mint? Then yes.

Honestly if your penis is bigger than a sleeve of Thin Mints i don’t want it unless your penis is literally thin mints then yes, I do want it

why? why shouldn’t i be allowed to have a sleeve of thin mints in my dresser drawer?

good news everybody

old dude on a bike with like 70 phones on the handlebars

democrats sending those donation spam texts/calls tonight

The amount of drugs they are pumping into him tonight to make it through this speech would kill anyone other than Keith Richards

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

A painting of a woman standing to speak at a community meeting. She wears a brown jacket over a blue plaid shirt, with folded papers tucked into her pocket. The seated attendees around her look up attentively. The scene is Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom of Speech,” but with a female speaker as the central figure.

‘I notice none of you fuckers are listening now’

imagine getting in any body of water while wearing jeans, let alone a hot tub, then imagine doing that with kid rock
stop barfing

Absolutely fucking no one:

Me: I do hope the Lady Francesca Bridgerton achieves a pinnacle during intercourse during this season, as thus far it has eluded her

do all humanoids have soft butts

Omg I’m so high I forgot my name

Watercolor sharks with googly eyes

Oh yes

Two watercolor sharks in the process of being painted

Getting closer

lol i don’t know what baking ass means

My hand holding a watercolor paper with two sharks sketched on it. One might think one was kissing the other one on its cheek

I’m doing some watercolor tonight

This is an artist’s blog and this is a watercolor and pen portrait of me that I sat for like 16 years ago. The watercolor is greens and browns.

Holy shit you guys this is what my face looked like 16 years ago in watercolor. I have this painting in my bathroom.

You guys when I got my new phone they kept trying to sell me on a privacy screen but fuck that, I’m proud of my shit posting

do you wanna come over and cut paper into various shapes and glue them onto things

I accidentally caught five seconds of that Kid Rock halftime show and when he screeched BAWITDABA into the camera I felt my bacterial vaginosis flare up fml

Writing my representatives to urge them to address the problem of too many boys going to Jupiter to get more stupider

getting a bigger penis tattooed onto my penis