The Beehive Letters

Hi Christopher, You know, the Wellington CBD seems quieter than usual. Not sure what’s caused it, we think it’s unrelated to the packs of wild dogs we’ve been releasing into Bowen House to expedite the layoff process. We are getting some calls from businesses in the CBD that allowing government employees to work from home is the problem. They’re saying we should take a leaf out of Amazon’s book, and you’d think axing Fair Pay Agreements would have been enough but nope. It has got me thinking though. What if our public servants were more like Amazon employees. Nonstop, fighting for their lives, urinating into bottles. And just like Amazon, frantically running through the halls of Parliament looking for cheap disposable trash and artificial dicks. What a dream. Let’s start by turning off the air conditioning. Best wishes, Nicola

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon
RE: Public Servant WFH Order
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher, You know, the Wellington CBD seems quieter than usual. Not sure what’s caused it, we think it’s unrelated to the packs of wild dogs we’ve been releasing into Bowen House to expedite the layoff process. We are getting some calls from businesses in the CBD that allowing government employees to work from home is the problem. They’re saying we should take a leaf out of Amazon’s book, and you’d think axing Fair Pay Agreements would have been enough but nope. It has got me thinking though. What if our public servants were more like Amazon employees. Nonstop, fighting for their lives, urinating into bottles. And just like Amazon, frantically running through the halls of Parliament looking for cheap disposable trash and artificial dicks. What a dream. Let’s start by turning off the air conditioning. Best wishes, Nicola

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon
RE: Public Servant WFH Order
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, it's too long for alt text but it's a satirical letter from Judith Collins to Christopher Luxon. Full text is on my Instagram.

Technology Minister Judith Collins to Christopher Luxon
RE: New Parliament Chat Bot
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Nicola Willis that says: Hi Christopher, While you're over in South Korea you might get asked about the cancellation of the new ferries. To prepare you, below are the comprehensive communications that took place around those discussions. Then it's two texts. The first says: Hi there, can you cancel our order for the ferries? We're pretty sure it can all be done with ramps and higher speed limits. The second says: Heeeeey. Wee bit of a mix-up there. Do you guys still have those ferries? Would you still honour that quote from 2023? We have all the receipts. Also, do you sell cranes that can pull cars and one train out of the ocean?

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon
RE: Messages to South Korea about cancelling the ferries
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Dear Christopher, How are you? I am fine. I am writing to confirm the announcement we’re making about the transport. We are demonstrating our love for roads, and for Roads of National Significance by funding 17 of the nation’s most truckable roads. It’s smart. It’s real truckwittery. We are also supporting our young people to become readier for the real world by no longer funding speed bumps, thus encouraging children to be more agile on our streets. Also no more road safety team for NZTA because we must have nailed driving by now. Obviously we don’t have anything in there for the ferry, which brings me to our super duper secret announcement – Rows of National Significance. Because eventually that will be the only way we can cross the Cook Strait. Yay. Yours Sincerely, Simeon Brown

Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop
RE: Transport Funding Announcement
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Casey Costello to Health Officials. Sorry the text is too long for Bluesky. The instagram account has the full alt text.

Associate Health Minister Casey Costello to Health Officials
RE: Mystery Tobacco Policy Document
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical Letter from Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis Hi Nicola, Thanks for your feedback on the speech I’ll be giving to the local government worms. I’ve made some changes, starting with not referring to them as ‘worms’. I respect worms. Here are a few choice excerpts. “Councils need to focus on core delivery and economic growth. Unless that economic growth involves making their regions a nicer place to live and visit, in which case no.” “I consider any region that is not specifically serviced by Air New Zealand to be dead to me. Get an airport losers.” “No more vanity projects. For example, that weird dog statue in Tīrau. Just imagine how many rentals we could make from that corrugated iron, especially now that we’re reevaluating the healthy homes standards.” “Why can’t you be more like Auckland?” “Finally, I hate you.” Check your doors, Luxon

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis
RE: Speech to Local Government Jerks
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Louise Upston to Nicola Willis It's too long for the alt text, but you can see it on Instagram.

Louise Upston to Nicola Willis
RE: Disability Support Services Switcheroo
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter Hi Christopher, We have that announcement today on our crackdown on beneficiaries. Don’t worry if you haven’t read all the details, neither have I. It’s important that we pull on as many levers as we can to encourage Jobseekers to look for jobs. Just look at how many people are unemployed right now! So mysterious and completely surprising but at least inflation is coming down. Speaking of mysteries, what’s not a mystery is how effective it’s already been. Why just last quarter we had to completely cut off 1500 people’s benefit. Where did they go? That’s another mystery. What we do know is that no frontline services have been affected. Be warned. You’ll get some ridiculous criticisms, like how putting half of someone’s benefit on a card doesn’t make sense when they spend more than half of it on rent. What’s so crazy about giving a large proportion of your income to landlords anyway? Our government did it and look how well we’re doing! Regards, Louise Upston

Louise Upston to Christopher Luxon
RE: Beneficiary Crack Down Part Deux
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Paul, I wanted to clarify your language when inviting our Australian politicians to the upcoming Matariki festivities. It’s important to remember that Australians are incredibly simple and frankly thick as shit though you won’t hear me say this out loud or in a document that can be easily OIA’d. First, I would recommend not using ‘Kia ora’ as a greeting. Partly because I’m still mad I couldn’t copyright it for Air New Zealand but mostly because I can guarantee that they’ll have never heard ‘Kia ora’ ever in their lives. Use the indigenous ‘G’day’. Second, they won’t know what ‘Matariki’ is. But rather than explain, I would say just switch it for ‘The Pleides’, ‘The Seven Sisters’ or ‘Subaru’. They’ll know what Subaru is. Finally, they’ll have no idea what you mean by ‘Maori’. Maybe go with ‘New Zealand Aboriginals’ or ‘South Pacific Pacific Islanders’. Keep it simple. Happy to give more tips, I’m known for my clear and concise communication. Breaker breaker, Luxon

Christopher Luxon to Paul Goldsmith
RE: Guide to Communicating with Australians
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical Letter from David Seymour to Gerry Brownlee Objection, objection, objection, Objection Mr Speaker! I would like to voice my displeasure in your focus on our wearing of party pins. What are your priorities? Focusing on this instead of the other issue we’ve brought to your attention that you refuse to interpret in the way that we do? Which therefore makes you wrong? Seriously. Is it that important that we don’t wear our pins? I do realise that you had already made a rule about this, but we were honestly not expecting the rules to apply to us specifically. So therefore I would like to request that we be allowed to wear our party pins on the grounds that these are different. These are emotional support pins. Bye bye bye, David Seymour

David Seymour to Gerry Brownlee
RE: This is a Pin Up!
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

This is a satirical letter from Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon but it's too long for Bluesky alt text. You can find it on the Beehive Letters instagram.

Health Minister Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon
RE: The Fourteen Management Layers of Health NZ
#satire #nzpol #kikorangi

Hi Winston, As a heads-up, we had a group set up to advise us about killer robots. Unfortunately that group has now been dissolved, we simply didn’t have the resources to replace the members who kept disappearing after mysterious electrical storms. No idea if it has anything to do with reports of nude, muscle-bound men appearing on Cuba Street though that’s fairly standard for the area. We’ve got the summary of their findings available. They really wanted David Seymour to see it, his name comes up constantly. Regards, Todd McClay

Todd McClay to Winston Peters
RE: Killer Robot Advisory Group
#satire #nzpol #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Winston Peters to NZ First MPs. Right you lot. Yes yes, I’ve seen the news about Biden. To the cowards who keep anonymously sending me news articles, how very well dare you. I’m two years younger, don’t get any ideas. Just who do you think your Kamala Harris is exactly? Jones? The man who digested an entire thesaurus only to regurgitate nothing but nonsense? Or perhaps you’d rather go with ‘New Zealand First MP whose name I never bothered to remember’? Good luck. I’m the best you’ll ever get. You’re welcome. Peters

Winston Peters to NZ First MPs
RE: US Election News
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Shane, Not that I answer to you, but Winston is encouraging us to keep our coalition counterparts updated on our activities where it might be relevant. We’re dropping the tax on ‘heated tobacco products’ by 50%, based on the advice given in the references field in our bank deposits. It’s a trial. A trial that we’re hoping will answer the following questions: 1. Does reducing the price of a tobacco product reduce nicotine addiction? (Yes) 2. Aren’t cigarettes and cigars also ‘heated tobacco products’ and shouldn’t they also get a tax reduction? 3. Does reducing excise tax on tobacco products improve overall wellbeing in people called Philip and Morris? 4. Could we bring back chewing tobacco to ensure people can still look cool while getting their daily recommended dosage of nicotine? Now before you ask, no we’re not going to be actually tracking the data on this. You and I both know we don’t want to set any precedents for evidence-based policy decisions. Regards, Casey Costello

Associate Health Minister Casey Costello to Health Minister Shane Reti
RE: Heated Tobacco Products Coming Through!
#nzpol #kikorangi #satire

Sorry, this is a satirical letter from Darlene Tana to Chloe Swarbrick but it's a bit long. The full alt text is on our Instagram.

Darlene Tana to Chlöe Swarbrick
RE: Letter of Resignation
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi, hi, hi, Hi Chris, I just wanted to say that I know how you felt all those years back buddy. Who knew parents would get so mad about a politician private messaging their kids on an app! It’s dumb too, because it’s so important to engage with young people about ACT’s ideas before they grow up and see how things work in reality. Did I say anything inappropriate? Of course not. No one is saying I did. Was it a bad idea to use an app where messages disappear and therefore remove all evidence of said propriety? Maybe. Was it quite obviously inappropriate for a grown man to message teenagers without their parents knowledge? Let’s leave it to the marketplace of ideas to decide. Anyway, hope you’re doing well buddy. Did you hear the new Drake single? Lit. #teamdrake Bye bye bye, David Seymour

David Seymour to Chris Bishop
RE: Oh Snap!
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi #notlikeus

Dear Christopher, This letter is to inform you of the current stranding of the Aratere Ferry. My understanding is that the problem came from a new rudder system. Apparently they had two smaller rudders controlling the main one, and that sent the boat all kinds of wrong directions. It’s all okay though, I’ve sent them some suggestions for fixing it. 1. Cut 30% of the staffing on the ferry and focus the rest on the frontline. 2. Cancel any plans Labour had to deal with the ferries. 3. Ban cellphones on the vessel. 4. Repeal three of the surrounding waters and replace them with ??? 5. Prevent any future confusion by changing the boat’s name from ‘Aratere’ to the more recognisable ‘Quick Path’. 6. Send the ferry to a military-style boat camp. That should fix it. Yours Sincerely, Simeon Brown

Transport Minister Simeon Brown to Christopher Luxon
RE: Aratere Grounding
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

It's a satirical letter but the text is too long for Bluesky sorry. Go to the Instagram and it's got enough space.

Christopher Luxon to the National Party
RE: Regarding my comments on our trade delegation
#nzpol #kikorangi #satire

Dear Mr Chris Bishop, I am writing to talk to you roads and how fast you can go on them. We’re asking for public input on speed limits. Not on other policies, but on speed limits where we’re pretty sure they’ll give us the answer we want. The fact is that a lot of speed limits make no sense. We’re not living in the 90s, and technology has come so far, it’s completely reasonable to assume that the human body can survive much higher velocity impacts than they used to. What with all the reinforcement from the microplastics and what not. Plus, young people are much quicker these days. That’s why they call them Zoomers. Yours Truly, Simeon Brown

Transport Minister Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop
RE: Speed Limit Changes
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher, I’ll see you at Field Days, make sure you remember to take the tags off your gumboots. We’re making the announcement to get rid of Waka Eke Noa, but obviously dealing with biogenic methane is much more important than our policy decisions would suggest. Or our trade agreements would require, but that’s a problem for the Trade Minister. Regardless, we’re putting together a new Pasture Sector Group to solve the problem of methane once and for all. All the big hitters – DairyNZ, Beef + Lamb, Federated Farmers, they’ve got the motivation to really make this work. It’ll be a great announcement to go alongside the new group we’re putting together to really tackle our Predator Free NZ commitments. With a team of such heavy hitters as the Ratfolk, Possum Preservation Society, and Foxes for Foxton, how can we lose? Regards, Todd McClay

Todd McClay to Christopher Luxon
RE: He Waka Eke Noa No Way
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi, hi, hi, Hi everyone, boy I am amped for this super positive and friendly rally which will put to bed these rumours of a ‘toxic’, ‘sexist’ party culture. I do intend to address these allegations with our standard ACT Party position – It hasn’t happened to me so therefore it doesn’t happen. Here’s our super exciting speaker line-up! Hon Brooke van Velden Are Tinted Safety Glasses Vital Protective Gear or an Unnecessary Fashion Statement? Hon Andrew Hoggard We Don’t Need Freshwater If We Drink Enough Milk Keynote Speaker: Paul Henry The Importance of Being Yourself: Boosting the Asshole Economy Hon David Seymour We Deserve This Hey also, can we stop with these rumours that I’m shit scared of Chlöe Swarbrick? Bye bye bye, David Seymour

David Seymour to ACT Party Members
RE: Party Rally Line-up
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher, I want to update you on our immigration settings regarding the Gaza conflict, and give you a few more talking points to use rather than just repeating ‘Hamas’ over and over. I really need to caution you about the wisdom of seeming less progressive on an issue than Winston. Now obviously we can’t do a special visa category like we did for Ukraine, because they could fly out (which obviously you support). That’s not the case in Palestine and what would be the point in setting up a special visa unless the applicants were absolutely guaranteed to be able to escape. You know, like in every other conflict. Anyway, Palestinians fleeing the conflict can always get their New Zealand families to apply for a visitor visa. All they need is identification, easy enough to obtain in Gaza, proof of good health which, again, easy enough to maintain in Gaza, and they have to promise us that they’ll leave eventually. I’m just not sure what more we can do. Thanks, Erica

Erica Stanford to Christopher Luxon
RE: Special Visas for Gaza Conflict
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher, We’re copping some flak for not funding those cancer drugs that we campaigned on. That said, I would like to propose a few ways to help those with cancer. First, eliminate taxes for all pharmaceutical companies and watch them shift those new savings to the consumer the same way landlords obviously will. Second, repeal the Healthy Homes Standards. You see, as with the discovery of penicillin, it is entirely possible that the millions of unique black mould colonies that would grow in damp rentals could yield new medicines. We would then simply harvest these medicines from the lungs of tenants and bring a new era of health. I believe the decision is obvious. Regards, Shane Reti

Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon
RE: Cancer Drug Funding
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, this is a long one. It's a satirical letter from Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon and the full alt text is on Instagram.

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon
RE: Budget Time! Curb Your Enthusiasm!
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Nicola, I’ve been hearing a lot about your leadership potential. Online, in magazines, from my advisors, lots of places. But it could always be better. Which is where I come in. Here’s a list of my favourite self-help books that I really recommend you take a look at. • The Inner Game of Tennis • Blank: The Power of Speaking without Thinking • Rich Dad, Even Richer Dad • The 48 Fast-track Laws of Power • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck About The Environment • New Zealand First Things First • The Secret (It’s Money) • Colonic Habits • Men are from Mars, Dinosaurs Don’t Exist Hope you enjoy! Flaps Down, Christopher Luxon

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis
RE: Self-help Book Recommendations
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

This is a satirical letter from Christopher Luxon to New Plymouth MP David Macleod. It's too long for Bluesky alt text but check it out on Instagram?

Christopher Luxon to David MacLeod
RE: Donation Declaration Defenestration
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon Hi Christopher, I wanted to give you an update on my efforts to fulfil one of our coalition promises. As you know Winston wants a complete end to all Government vaccine mandates. Unfortunately, there haven’t been any vaccine mandates since 2022. And any efforts to explain this to Winston have been met with the usual belligerence, belittling, and demands for vengeance on his enemies. But I have a solution. We’re going to get our Space Agency to say aliens have arrived, but they’ve made us promise to have a vaccine mandate for our astronauts. Then we’re going to get rid of that mandate. It’s a classic move. Invent a scary thing, get your supporters up in arms about said scary thing and then promise to get rid of that scary thing. Hey, if it works on New Zealand First supporters it might work on Winston himself. Also, he hates aliens. Best wishes, Shane Reti

Health Minister Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon
RE: A Problem with Winston's Vaccine Mandate Promise
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Shane Jones Kia ora Matua, Alas the media have caught me again. Maverick Shane Jones, having dinner with an acquaintance! Not even a friend! Just a passing meeting with someone who may or may not wish to dig an open cast coal mine on the West Coast. But surely I cannot be expected to include every dinner I have with interesting people. Elsewise I would have to diary the dinner I had with the delightful fellows who have an interest in our water. Just a sip, they say, just a sup of our water to restock their mothership. I said help yourselves! Catastrophisers say that these offworlders will drain our lakes and oceans of our precious water, but to that I say do not stand in the way of progress! I, for one, welcome our new overlords and have reminded them that as a trusted politician I will be helpful in rounding up others to serve as organ farms or simply to provide pornography recommendations. Yours in Bodaciousness, The Stalwart Shane Jones

Shane Jones to Winston Peters
RE: Scandalous Impromptu Dinners!
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop Dear Chris, I am writing to tell you about the cool new roads projects that we’re doing, you and me. This is what we got into the job for. Building roads and kissing asphalt. Choice. I wanted to clarify some of the acronyms we’re using to avoid any confusion. We have: RONS – Roads of National Significance RORS – Roads of Regional Significance ROUS – Roads of Unusual Significance ROFL – Roads of Funding Liabilities RIMS – Roads indicating Middling Significance (A lot of companies keen on RIMS jobs!) RILFS – You’ll have to explain this one to me Yours Truly, Simeon Brown

Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop
RE: Roads of Awesome Significance Today!
#nzpol #satire #kikorangi