Ketran

The blue refreshes while the red regenerates. Green is for those without a god.

Supporting my computer expert friend by saying “you always click on the right things”

As a kid I wanted to write to Weird Al to tell him to replace MJ’s “somebody’s watching me” with “washing beets” but even as a kid I recognized that line was swinging too hard.

If you’re skinny enough and spend enough time in the back hallways of your local mall, the lady who works at Sizzling Wok will take pity on you and give you free Wontons.

The old advice was to wear a hard hat and carry a clipboard, but nowadays if you dress like you play magic the gathering people will think you’re with IT and let you into anything.

Just like in the words of the prophet Jeff Foxworthy, it’s like if a frog stood up.

“You better watch out”

I’m on it

“You better not cry”

Alright now hold on a minute

to the horny clown with the HONK HONK knuckle tats please stop grabbing my wife's giant breasts

I wish they had a way to cool them, apart from putting the servers in hot air balloons. That’s why it’s called the cloud!

Pronouncing “snickerdon’tdle” out loud felt like vomiting Lego’s. 11/10

Bringing up how good I am at using a keyboard on the first date just in case they’re on the fence about a second date. Would suck to go down with bullets still in the chamber.

[entering a Five Guys]
what the heck there's like six-
*sees another guy*
-THERE'S LIKE SEVEN GUYS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Gasses: Sup bitches

Noble Gasses: Good evening m'ladies

I just think! if you follow a high priest into the depths of the cathedral-esque caverns beneath his temple, beyond the great ruined statues from ages past, and together you find, under layers of dust & ash, a carved stone bearing a terrible prophesy? You & the priest should be allowed one (1) kiss

God grant me the confidence of a medium ugly man on a dating app.

There’s a joke here involving the phrase “big movie buff” that would do big numbers. Where’s Carrot Top when you need him?

Spatchcocking is one of those words that give you verbal whiplash when you learn what it actually means. Turns out it has very little to do with actual spatulas.

Luckily growing up in the nineties allowed us just a few archetypes to choose from. Jock, nerd, cool girl, astronomy geek, math jock, “coach”. Simpler times.