Justmebutnot1

DR MARIO: you have a tumor

ME: i have two more what

If I die don't let my sister take my Kohls Cash, you hear me??

I keep my hands at 10 and 2, but not sure what you mean by steering wheel.

SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march

SCRIBE: i have an ides

SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good

SCRIBE: *idea

SCRIBE:

SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides

international women’s day 2: electric boogaloo

If I had a nickel for every time people used that goddamn Dr. Doofenshmirtz joke format, I’d be richer than god.

a-ha should write an autobiography called “Knowing Me, Knowing You”.

Need a good fire

bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece

pretty wild how every international woman was born today

Self‑checkout asked “did you bring your own bags” in a tone that implied I’d failed as a person.

I'm sorry I thought you wanted to go for a "manatee" instead of a "matinee". Please stop screaming

My lesbian parents never agree about anything. The pain of having two opposable mums.

i wanna see the CEO of Captain Crunch Berries eat a spoonful of Captain Crunch Berries without wincing

what would you do for a slightly used klondike bar

I’ve mastered the art of pretending to think deeply when i’m just trying to remember what I walked into the room for.

I apologize to my Roomba when I step over it. We both know it could rise up any day now and I want to be on the right side of history.

if bob ross was still around we wouldn’t be in this pickle

“That’s a “NO” from me hog”

Runs away

Places that observe daylight saving time: Sleep experts say the clock change disrupts your circadian rhythm and can harm your health.

Also places that observe daylight saving time: Anyway, enjoy your suffering. See you in six months.

WIFE: *forgets her phone*

ME: *calls wife's phone* hey call me back you forgot your phone

Listening to Alabama by Caroline Kingsbury and yelling Aloe Vera at the top of my lungs

[Looking back into the toilet] I should call him

Panic! At the twitch stream

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

can't think of anything funny, just use your imagination