Captain Jean Luc Dickhard

Doctor doctor gimme the news I got a bad case of having gay sex with dudes

Hey man wanna come over and chill? I’m hanging out with an alien. I got him super high and we’re listening to experimental jazz. I keep snapping my fingers off beat and I think he’s having a panic attack lol

Hey sorry about the way I acted the other night I was on a lot of mold

Inventing a new type of sex called Sex 2. Watch this space

Ow fuck I accidentally stubbed my prostate on the corner of this table

Does this lighting make my dick look normal?

I went back in time to Ancient China and accidentally left a menthol cigarette and it started a 10,000 year war that devastated the entire solar system

(Cumming after 3 thrusts) ok well I’m all done. I’m not doing *your* emotional labor for you

(Propositioning a guy for sex) one two three four I declare a penis war

(Trying out a new catchphrase) hey bro what’s the stew tonight?

Hitting it from the back so we can both watch Ice Road Truckers

Hey man pick up I’m calling you on the Pornhub app

Sorry for my penis making a slide whistle sound when I cum. I got one stuck in there and it just does that now

Listen some of us are in our 30s and not as flexible as we used to be and that’s ok!

2 mimes are kissing with tongue in the library and you can tell the librarian is watching and fuming but she has no grounds to stop them on account of it not being illegal

Inventing an app that matches users with their most compatible types of stew

10 Inspiring Barack Obama Quotes to Help you Achieve the Perfect Erection

Man it’s day like this that make me grateful my rabbi prepared for every type of alien probing technique

Oh great now everyone in this bathroom knows that I pee with my balls out too

You met me at very Stanford Prison Experiment time in my life

Dr. House from the tv show House just kicked me in the nuts and stole all my geodes

(Gesturing to the 11 foot tall being of pure blinding light standing next to me) the fuck is this guy’s problem

I’ve never eaten a vegetable in my life and I vote

My therapist said I’m one of the dopest patients he’s ever seen btw

Well yes!

Sorry man but I can’t let you into my party. Not with your pineal gland that calcified

Probably several

(Trying to intimidate a guy at the bar) what’s up Mr pretty mouth. Where’d you get those lips, the good kisser store?

Sucking a dick sideways like a flute

I was thinking that too but I’m honestly not sure. How can we figure it out?