Line Art Lionheart

DIVORCE LAWYER: She cheated on you?

ME: Well, no, they used a bed

The best part of being your own worst enemy is you can do the boss fights from home

Chores are important. They teach kids how to work just hard enough to get the people in charge off your back

I like to talk about myself in the third person because that guy is such an idiot, he has no clue I'm taking about him

I'm sorry I threw you out the window but I had a hunch you'd land with a satisfying, sloshy THWOMP, and boy, was I right

Making sure the hill I choose to die on has good southern exposure and lush foliage

I think the other often-overlooked aspect of the trolley problem is that the (overwhelming) majority of the people involved have no agency, and yet the thought experiment assumes we'll be the ones faced with a choice.

bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece

Linus' untimely death was tough on everyone, and it made Charlie Brown realize his calling in life. He would become a good grief counselor.

Deciding whether or not to keep this split pea soup vegetarian on an add hock basis

Storefront with sign reading "No personons under 21 allowed"

And no peopleople either

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

"Can't beat the view!” I think as I'm blown out the airlock.

REPORTER: What’s your favorite book?

POLITICIAN: The Bible

REPORTER: What’s your favorite non-fiction book?

Except at pretentious elite institutions, where of course they are known as trust-autumn accidents

No particular ongoing-news reason that made me think of this

YOU: You're early, how'd you get here so fast?
THEM: We ignored all the speed limits, red lights, and stop signs
YOU: You did WHAT?!?
THEM: You're not happy to see us?

IKEA is just LEGO with consequences

You see, kind sir, your looksmaxxing will one day fade, but I—I shall remain on fleek forever

I had a bobsled question yesterday: does the shouting at the start convey any information or help the pushers stay in sync? Or is it purely for hype? And if for hype, are there teams that just ask their coach to shut up?
Thank you!!

Do you ever worry you might have the wrong kind of anxiety?

Headline: "Raccoon busts through ceiling at LGA next to Spirit Airlines gate"

"oh good, the pilot's here"
—the waiting passengers

Your Joke is Factually Incorrect: A Guide to Dying Alone

Norwegians are from Norway
Therefore I can only assume that:
Glaswegians are from Glasway

Checking out what the guy who said "Dress for the job you want" is wearing
(My dream is to tell people how they should dress)

The TV says "short program" but every single one of these figure skaters is in a skirt

Pigeons can't be trusted in positions of political influence because they might try to start a coo

e-stone-ia, do I have to explain everything

NYT Spelling Bee saying "Not in word list" to "Embiggen"

Well I think they should, uh, expand their word list then

Careful; violence just baguettes more violence