Ariel Elias

I helped an older guy on my flight get logged into the wifi, and he just offered me some lightly salted almonds. On my way to Florida, baby.

Do you guys think Genghis Kahn's mom was like, when are you gonna give me grandchildren--ohhhh nooo

One important part of getting older is realizing that there's a difference between having really bad diarrhea and having really good diarrhea.

Shout out to the government, bridging the divide between millennials and gen z one illegal war in the middle east at a time.

The US government is determined to teach us Middle East geography in the worst possible ways.

Team USA is trying so hard to rehabilitate the reputation of the men's hockey team, when all they had to do was make out with each other a little bit.

If you say "ohm" while you meditate, it actually is an act of resistance.

I can't believe the Olympics are over already. It feels like they just started two weeks ago.

My husband and I recently found out we can't have our own highway, so we're going to adopt.

Live as in alive is spelled the same way as live as in lived experience. So when someone comments on one of my stand-up clips that they really want to see me live, it's either a great compliment or an ominous threat.

One of my pet peeves is when people misuse "less." It makes me think fewer of you.

A couple across from me on the subway kept kissing really weirdly. Like no tongue but wet and loud. It was so bad that I got up and moved, and I once stayed in my seat during a stabbing.

This joke is incredibly different now, and it's cool to see how it's evolved over the last few months (new punchline entirely, more asides, ends with a callback). Here's how I used to tell it, happy president's day

Kid Rock: Why is every guy in America waiting on these chicks to turn 18? if there's grass on the field, play ball

Bad Bunny: if there's grass on the field, those are my dancers, please wait for them to leave before you start playing football again.

Watching the Winter Olympics because it looks warmer than here.

Some anti-circumcision guy on Instagram posted a video of my circumcision joke and then cut off the punchline and HOW DOES HE NOT SEE THE IRONY

Kid Rock is exclusively for people who clap on the 1 and 3

I would pay all sorts of money to any woman on OF who would show me how to actually put in a Diva Cup.

The true Melania documentary was the Epstein files we read along the way.

Jewish holidays follow the lunar calendar, which also explains why our community has so few unplanned pregnancies.

Making fun of Greg Bovino for being short is low hanging fruit. Which is good, because that's all he can reach.

If I'm understanding this correctly, it is in fact Greg Bovino who has to leave Minnesota and go back to where he came from.

I had a Spanish professor once who told us that when the government is firing on its own citizens, the government has failed, not its citizens.

Things are so upside-down right now, I'm over here like wake up people, the government is coming for your guns!

It's so hard to convey tone in text. Those flags should say "don't tread on ME"

I know things are bad because I felt like I needed a break from all this and thought, "ah yes there it is," as I hit play on a podcast about the Challenger disaster.

Wow it's like all those kids in schools got shot for nothing.

I can't believe the secret to having good hair is literally just spending an hour making it look better

The one thing we don't have to worry about with Trump is him having the nuclear codes. Just based on the amount of typos in everything, there's no way he's gonna type in the codes right. How many chances do you think you get on that before it locks you out?

Hey so I learned from history, can I please be excused from repeating it?