problems clown

Forgot my fucking emoji sign off but I don’t really care

People always be talking about me like they think I won’t find out about it

im so behind on my classwork due to the agonies but my professor is being so chill about it and told me shes keeping all assignments open an extra week for me and to let her know if i need anything else 🥲

sometimes i remember the amount of 20~ yr old men i had anything to do with & was often involved with in some sort of capacity (not always very much a choice of mine) when i was 13-15 aqnd feel sick to my fucking stomach lol

sry i dont mean to be rude about people who wre sheltered ik thats like a whole other kind of trauma but i do just feel kind of jealous sometimes. wish my mom gave enough of a fuck to protect me iguess

sometimes so jealous of people who were very sheltered like oh so your mom actually protected you from dating/hooking up with grown men when you were 13-15 and didnt just allow it to happen because she "dated 20 year olds when she was 15 and its fine" ..GIRL UR A VICTIM TOO!!HELP ME!!!!

Feels like every time I try to talk about what I am feeling to anyone it gets brushed aside too until I am in crisis like everyone including me is trying to ignore how bad I am doing

and i hjave so much trouble articulating what i feel and what goes on in the brain and even when i try so hard to people dont get it or understand fully and i feel so isolated always

it sucks feeling so alone and isolated despite the fact i have many friends because my brain is too fucked up and i feel like there is 300 layers of plexiglass between me and everyone i know because im too wrong and it sucks!!

Thank you my friend ily and appreciate you so muchly… 🫂 ❤️

🕸️ I’ve been getting so so very frustrated dealing with system stuff lately esp after we split another very unstable guy and I keep having to do damage control and I mso fucking tired I feel like me having no interpersonal relationships would be ideal for everyone I know and also me sometimes

🕸️ i have really not been able to shake the feeling that people are talking about me behind my back lately and im not even the one whos usually paranoid like this 🥲

My brain fragmenting for survival so I don’t just straight up kill myself thinking about everything people have done to me. So I survive but at the cost of never being able to be a functional human in society and never being able to get close to people or have any semblance of normalcy ever

I would really love if my brain wasn’t so broken and I wasn’t forced to bear this burden of not being able to function like a normal human person because people decided to be cruel to me and they don’t even know and they get to carry on with their happy normal lives while I’m stuck like this

🕸️The way we keep splitting/discovering non human alters as in like introjects of robot and doll characters and they keep being in front at the same time with each other and I keep getting the “I’m not real” debuff. Smiles with broken teeth

🕸️it really sucks how little i feel in control lately with all these system discoveries of very unstable guys im trying so hard to work with them but its so fucking hard this ti,me and im so exhausted

Sorry the disorders have been so fucking bad lately especially this last week and a good amount of the time has spent being so blurry I don’t even know who or what I am.

And im realizing now maybe im doing too much there

It also kinda hurts that a lot of people don’t really remember anything I say, especially when it’s stuff i care about. Obviously I get it’s hard to keep up with remembering stuff and I can grant leeway w it but I mean. My memory suck so I write stuff down, including stuff my friends like.

I spend a lot of time wondering why i bother. Like with anything. With interpersonal relationships cause I feel like I’m just not built for this shit, I just need to be alone cause I hurt more than not hurting when it comes to them. Sad.

It kinda sucks how I make a big effort to try to reply to any and everyone who says things in group settings so people don’t feel left out when the convo changes like I reply to them before saying what I was going to if I’m changing the subject but feels like nobody has that consideration for me :(

Hoping discord actually does blow up so everyone scatters and I can finally follow through on isolating myself from everyone like I’ve been trying to for months now 🩵

Yes exactly 🙂‍↕️

Thank you :( it is what it is but it’s just gotten to a point it happens so much from so many people and I’m so tired of it 😭 idc if im cringe im just trying to maintain my whimsy and joy in this hell world!!!!!

Blurry last few days

I don’t even mind like discussing the differences in opinion either if it’s a constructive conversation but if it’s just “lol thing bad haha” or “thing shouldn’t exist cause I don’t like it” it gets pretty frustrating

I don’t have a problem with differences in opinion but like it’s just rude and disrespectful to pointlessly clown on something that is known I like to my face repeatedly

🕸️ it would be really cool if everyone stopped making fun of things I like and enjoy to my face thank you even the objectively “bad” things it’s getting pretty exhausting and I’m tired enough

I’m also just pissed I have to be responsible for this kid in our brain who is just as angry or angrier than I am. Don’t put me in charge I’ll just agree with it.

a man is taking a picture of himself with a phone . ALT: a man is taking a picture of himself with a phone .

🩸 Every single time I get dragged into front I feel like this. Every fucking time. My default state of rage mixed with the anger others felt that triggered me into front I just show up to the party like this. He just spawned in mad as hell.