A. 🌙

guess who’s now officially been off her meds for a full week??? i’ve lost track of the number of phone calls i’ve made to get this fixed.

as someone with a history of being attracted to jewish men with dark features, this is so real. he’s not a bad looking guy at first glance. it’s the hatred and smugness that make him gross.

it’ll be super cute for summer too!

i’m very slowly replacing my wardrobe with pretty much ONLY the super soft line from torrid. because it is, indeed, super soft, and i value comfort above all these days.

i bought myself a new dress for my ablation next week. who buys a new outfit for a hospital stay? me, apparently. i can NOT do a hospital gown and i wanted something cute, soft, stretchy, and with pockets to put the heart monitor in.

found a torrid dress on poshmark for $20.

sometimes i wonder how i’ve managed to become SO avoidant in my old age, but then its like, take your pick of my past relationships of all types, and it IMMEDIATELY makes sense.

oh! and she purposely gave me bad job references and lost me like 3 jobs.

like two things are true at once: i have historically been very vulnerable to becoming friends with people who had awful intentions because i’m very gullible.

AND

people have gone to DIABOLICAL lengths to cause me pain.

remembering that time a girl in my group chat got an abortion so the rest of us got together and sent her a gorgeous bouquet with a get well soon card; then like a year later found out the abortion wasn’t real LMAO.

she also wrote cruel anonymous things and when i found out, blamed her husband.

unfortunately katie leung, who played cho chang in harry potter, is in season 4 of bridgerton, and i fear every single time i see her face, i immediately start singing the harry and the potters song “the human hosepipe”.

wizard rock in the big 26?!!!

a woman in a braided ponytail stands in front of a sliding glass door that says mat ALT: a woman in a braided ponytail stands in front of a sliding glass door that says mat

i meant to just watch the pitt and then move on but OOPS i somehow ended up in the *fandom*.

but hey it’s nice to do that from time to time!

still not over mel being the BEST. i don’t know that i’ve ever seen a lower support needs autistic with a higher support needs sibling portrayed in media?

only took almost a full decade of playing pokémon go to FINALLY get my mewtwo and complete my kanto pokédex!

well, no one here wants me, but i log into rednote and am immediately bombarded by dozens of declarations of love from chinese men.

that’s gotta count for something, right?

i took a post-sickness everything shower and i feel like a BRAND NEW human being.

now i’m gonna eat indian food in bed and watch season 4 of bridgerton.

my tiffin is here and i’m not eating it until later tonight, but i HAD to try the ras malai and it’s soooooo good!

what if i just made the syrup and put it in my coffee. WHAT THEN?

i’ve officially listened to the entire 1975 discography.

i’m having trouble getting into the last two records, but i learned a long time ago that the less familiar i am with a thing, the less i like it, so i’m expecting them to grow on me.

i told my friend yesterday that if i’m feeling better today, i’m getting indian food one way or another.

then my tiffin lady popped off with this!

i don’t think i’ve ever had ras malai. i am very excited!

a group of people are dancing on a stage and one of them says in the greatest city in the world . ALT: a group of people are dancing on a stage and one of them says in the greatest city in the world .

what a time the hamilton era was, like 2015-2016 until the election happened. the last bit of hope before trump took over. obama era optimism. it aged so poorly but it was such a blast.

i haven’t gotten into a new musical since.

i love her so much she is so important to me

what do you MEAN the clocks go forward tonight AND it’s gonna be a high of 60 tomorrow?

🚨🚨🚨 SPRING IS IMMINENT 🚨🚨🚨

really did a double take at “holes filled” and thought you were hornyposting and was gonna be like HELL YEAH (im so sorry)

i am about to fight god.

sick all week…

the moment i came home last night i started getting a migraine aura…

in bed all night with a migraine…

up today with an awful tummy ache?

CAN MY BODY PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER?? christ.

current mood meme dump

i feel so seen

IT ME! MOSSLAX!!

Hootie & The Blowfish - Let Her Cry (Official Music Video) [HD] YouTube video by Hootie & The Blowfish Videos

somewhat related, this song was written from the viewpoint of a man whose partner is an addict.

but i think this fits PERFECTLY from the viewpoint of someone who has a partner with BPD. i feel like i should start a list of songs like this (her diamonds by rob thomas is another one!)

truly i think my biggest mother wound is my BPD mother passing down all her BPD behaviors to me. an explanation is not an excuse and i’ve done SO MUCH WORK to eradicate those behaviors from my life. and while i’m mot perfect, i feel confident i’m a good deal better than most.

idk, long story short, if you want to be in my life, you HAVE to trust that i am able to handle conflict, bad news, criticism, information i don’t want to hear, or really anything of that nature.

i am a big girl. literally and figuratively. the worst that’ll happen is i’ll need time to process.

i can tell when someone is conveniently leaving out information they think would upset me. and i F U C K I N G hate it.

i will be 40 in a few months. i didn’t do all this healing and therapy and growth and learning to be around people who think i cannot handle news they think i’ll perceive as bad.

as i’ve gotten older and learned emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills, it does not escape me that many of the people who have known me long enough to know that version of me still tiptoe around me. and once again, i ABSOLUTELY get it. but i hate it, truly, from the depths of my soul.

and listen, i GET IT. it’s exhausting to be around people like that. walking on eggshells/tiptoeing around truths to break things to someone as gently as possible and still having it end in a meltdown runs you ragged QUICK. i carry a LOT of shame about how many relationships past me destroyed.

sometimes i feel like i really painted myself into a corner with my behavior when i was younger.

i was an emotionally volatile mess who was completely incapable of any type of confrontation; i would either cry, yell, go silent, or all three.

this made everyone in my life tiptoe around me.