Tommy Knockers

I’m not conventionally attractive, but no one notices because of my godawful personality.

See something, say something? Bro. I’m just talking, see for yourself.

I always think I'm weird until I read the replies

(Cavemen bonking big rocks into little rocks)

Og: hey Gronk, does Gronk remember when reality TV guy got elected president

I only have one more "Alexa stop" left in me before I throw it across the room

I only listen to music from genres that are made up.

Me: You're the kind of friend I could not see or talk to for years...

Them: and then pick up right where we left off?

Me: Erm... Yeah sure...

Looking for someone to do all my work-related tasks while I collect the paycheque.

If Canada geese could talk it would be strictly swearing and bumming smokes

It’s funny bc no shit I was just thinking about how the unibomber had a point. Great minds think alike I guess

I have but to glance at a can of paint and yep wearing it

If you take everything you read on the internet seriously go stick a dildo in your ass now.

Casually walking back to my cubicle after taking a 47 minute diarrhea.

Fuck you Santa, I know what list I'm on. I'll buy my own stuff.

I'll only call it X now that we all dumped it.

Ah sorry for being weird. I got comfortable there for a second.

me, flirting: magnesium isn't the only way I'm deficient, baby

Sometimes two people in replies on my posts talk like neighbors with a short fence and it's sweet but you know forty notifications later I really wanna tell them to stfu

“It is what it is,” I say, not really knowing what it actually is.

Never be afraid to avoid new things.

Sorry I drooled red frosting out of my mouth all over your seriously festive doily but are we celebrating a bloody birth or what

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.