God: I’m gonna give them eyelashes to keep stuff from getting in their eyes
Angel: great idea, where do the eyelashes go when they fall out?
God: ok you’re gonna laugh
Telling Jesus he'll never make it if he keeps being so hostile to wealth. Advising him to moderate his message to appeal to the Galilee suburbs
(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo
TY, Beth. Woohoo! It's #TacoTuesday! 🌮
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The fact that Donald Trump is going to try to subvert the 2026 elections doesn't mean he will be successful. We have shown before that we can fight back in court and win. The key is that we must educate everyone about what is going to happen and what they can do as well to defend democracy.
One of the most important things I have written in a while. I hope you read, learn and share. www.democracydocket.com/opinion/trum...
IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks — theonion.com/it-guy-warns...
"SHIT"
"FUCK"
"NO"
"FUCK"
"SHIT"
"FUCK"
Weird how creating conditions where powerful people never have to face real accountability leads to powerful people abusing their power. Who could have predicted that?
The White House without a pet is like America without democracy.
Tell WY Court: Reject Weak Plea Deal in Wolf Torture Case civicshout.com/p/tell-wy-co...
first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!
frog "Philip K. Dickgirl" kosaric @yurirando tibetan foxes have the exact energy of when you go into arby's stoned and ask about their 5 for $5 promotion, which has been gone for longer than anyone has worked there. the tibetan sand fox's face is the face the cashier makes at you, and the face you make at the cashier 5:47 PM • 2019-04-06
dolly should have just set jolene on fire
Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?
Publisher: It needs more characters.
Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.
[3:12 am]
brain: hey wake up let's think about everything
me: what do you mean by everyth-
brain: I SAID EVERYTHING
doing a reverse mid-life crisis where i do things that help affirm and accept growing older like slowly becoming weirder and witchier but also wiser
I don’t know how to use chatgpt etc but I imagine it’s going to a website and typing “oh no what groceries do I buy please tell me false god for I am so weak I cannot go on” as your brain atrophies and leaks out of your ears from disuse and the machine is like “buy eggs milk bread and a horse”
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: idk, were you just fuckin bored
Cop: yeah, kinda
it’s almost as if that fifa peace prize didn’t mean anything at all
rough day for anyone who believes in the sanctity of human life
If the men who declared war were the ones deployed to fight it, there would never be another one
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
lawyer: number four, why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
It’s wild how Republicans went from:
“Obama is using Jade Helm to set up secret FEMA death camps and is going to turn the US into a police state and take our guns!!!”
To:
“Surveil me harder, daddy. 🥵”
Patel specifically said during his confirmation hearings that agents would not be punished for the cases they had been assigned to. It was an obvious lie at the time.
Cartoon of monk speaking to meditating dog with a wagging tail and saying it can't possibly be thinking about nothing of its tail is wagging
...on the elusive happiness of being 'without thoughts' #meditation #Buddhism 🧘♂️
REPORTER: Sir, can you tell us what happened with the elephant?
ME: (huddled in a space blanket) Of course: I was minding my business when the beast grabbed me with its trunk. My penis, exposed for unrelated reasons, functioned as a sort of axel by which I was rotated like a holiday noisemaker
