To learn more about cultivating emotional awareness and to show up as a better partner in non-monogamy, come to my next online workshop which explores this topic from a somatic lens. Tickets are going fast! polyam-feelings.eventbrite.co.uk?aff=Leanne
Emotionally aware people know how to balance responsibility in their relationships, and how to support others without rescuing/saving/infantilising them.
5. You find yourself managing other people's emotions even when you're overwhelmed, and feel there isn't space for you to be shown the same care.
Excessive caretaking may be a sign you struggle to be vulnerable with others, especially if you focus on others as a distraction from your own feelings.
Emotionally aware people communicate what they feel they are ready for (not what they feel they "should" be), set and enforce their boundaries, and explore with a sense of curiosity and openness instead of fear and avoidance.
4. You have a low tolerance for discomfort, or struggle to differentiate between discomfort and danger.
Non-monogamy often involves stepping outside your comfort zone, but there's a difference between a healthy amount of testing your limits and active self-betrayal.
Emotionally aware people don't have to feel compersion to have sustainable non-monogamous relationships...but they are much more oriented towards creating conditions where it can happen.
3. You perform compersion that you don't authentically feel in order to please your partner, because you feel like you "should".
Being inauthentic about feelings in non-monogamy leads to distrust and disconnection, and risks your partner neglecting or making false assumptions about your needs.
Emotionally aware people know how to discern between feelings that need to be acted on from feelings that just need to be felt and witnessed, and to respond instead of just reacting.
2. You make impulsive decisions while dysregulated.
When the nervous system is activated, it's normal to feel a false sense of urgency, which means you're more likely to say or do something you'll regret later.
Emotionally aware people view their vulnerability as a gift, not an inconvenience. They are able to stay emotionally regulated, even when their partner is talking about being dysregulated by their actions, and take an appropriate level of responsibility.
1. When you or your partner(s) experience jealousy, you deflect/suppress the feelings and treat them like a burden.
Emotionally aware people understand how to hold space for themselves or partners to express difficult feelings without shaming or blaming themselves.
Here are the signs that show you may 🚩 lack emotional awareness 🚩 in non-monogamy - and how to fix it 🧵
I had a foursome two nights ago - and last night I found a ring that wasn't mine under my bed. So I texted the three people going "is this your ring?"
Reader, the ring did not belong to any of them. So now I need to text at least 6 other people!
Schedule based on the time and energy you actually have - not what you wish you had, or what you think your partner deserves.
Consistency, not impulsivity, is what ultimately builds safety and security in romantic relationships 💛
When in doubt, assume you have less capacity than you actually do and go from there. It's better to be pleasantly surprised with more free time, than to underdeliver when you find out you have less.
Your partners will likely not appreciate being jerked around by your whims under the guise of "having freedom" or "following your heart" in polyamory. Being spontaneous within reason is fine, but being chaotic and irresponsible is not.
Overcommitting to a new and exciting connection can risk neglecting other existing partners, or lead to lots of dramatic changes in schedule when the New Relationship Energy inevitably fades that can potentially create distress amongst all your partners.
If you have multiple intimate connections, you need to be clear about when you're spending time with whom in order to manage everyone's expectations effectively. "Going with the flow" can get messy really fast when two or more people want to spend quality time with you.
In monogamy, a lot of people default to spending most of their time with one romantic partner so there are usually fewer issues around scheduling conflicts or opportunities for comparisons to be made.
There's nothing inherently wrong with having a lot of love to give, but if you set up a dating routine that you cannot realistically maintain long-term, it will likely lead to issues later on when you burn out from lack of capacity.
If you are polyamorous and looking for long-term connection: learn to be disciplined with your time and energy management, or risk disappointing multiple people at once.
me when I see a straight monogamous vanilla person on Feeld:
As a former semi-successful fanfiction writer: if you’re not writing fanfiction purely for the love of the game, kindly get the fuck off fanfiction sites. Monetising fanfiction is ILLEGAL loser behaviour.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.
Just because you're struggling IN polyamory, it doesn't mean you're struggling WITH polyamory. You're allowed to find something challenging without it having to mean anything about who you are or what you want.
I want all the “I want two boyfriends who also kiss each other” girlies to know that polyamorous bisexual men exist and you can absolutely make that a reality right now, but you'd better make sure to unpack your internalised biphobia and mononormativity before you attempt ANY of that 💁🏻♀️
"I feel so angry/upset/disappointed/sad right now, but I just need some time for the feelings to pass and I won't hold them against you. We don't need to fix everything right now, but I would really value your presence while I sit with my emotions. I still love you and we will be okay."
"I need space to process my feelings to continue this conversation in a productive way. I'm not abandoning or rejecting you. I just don't want to say something I don't mean or will regret later. I promise to come back when I feel ready. Thank you for being patient with me."
"I'm not setting a boundary because I'm trying to punish you - it is what I need to feel safe in this connection. I appreciate you for respecting and considering my feelings, and caring about our relationship. I love you and hope we can work together to find a way for everyone's needs to be met."
"I'm having big feelings right now, but it doesn't mean I blame you or that I think you did anything wrong. I'm sharing this with you because I want to let you in on my inner experience, not because I'm trying to attack you or stop you from doing what you're doing. I love you."
"I know what I've shared with you was really difficult for you to hear, but I want to reassure you that I still love and care about you. I appreciate you for listening and I want you to know it matters to me."
