Faucets Delta Co

Grown ass men will be like "sports should be for kids" and then punch a hole in the wall when their team loses

I am an East Coast Girl™ now, which means I may do things like:

>Say where I'm walking
>Smoke cigarettes at Catholic church
>Wear gold necklace
>Shout on a train

And others. This is normal. Do not be alarmed

My week in New Jersey has changed me irreversibly in many ways. For instance, I now use the word 'youse' occasionally instead of rarely

We may literally give these ideas the tangible, financial and logistical support they need to be spread to millions with our tacit approval, but we wrote 'opinion' at the top, so we're absolved from any of the harm they cause

Do you think they started with dos leches? I mean it'd be insane to go straight for three

He's doing Mambo No. 5 and you know it

How my notepad looks after a full day of trying my absolute best to keep a coherent running to-do list

What if the train barreling directly towards me just wants to give me a little kiss?

I'm now giving out free illegal advice. Tell me your problem and I will recommend something illegal to do about it

I'm lucky. My team is tanking, so I get to take this whole year off from the rituals

Accidentally gave my dog her dinner two hours early. She is devastated. She said she needs more dinner to make up for it

Do you hate me and think I'm irredeemable? Or do you love me and think I'm irredeemable? Which one?

I love feeding all of my thoughts to The Void™. I love The Void™. The Void™ loves me. The Void™ is my boyfriend. I am marrying The Void™ inside of The Void™. Void Vore®

Look, it's either this or I start journaling

90% of posters hit "post" right before they're about to think of a way better way to phrase the post

Me: "I'm gonna get straight As in school this time"
Friend: "maybe just focus on passing"

So it's like that?

Thanks to years of training and patience, I have reduced the time it takes me to go from zero knowledge of something to having big opinions on that thing down to mere seconds

The Pacers were starting to get too healthy. Had to ritually sacrifice Johnny Furphy to keep the tank alive

I am actually having experiences fairly regularly, to tell you the truth

I'm going to fuck the Declaration of Independence

Q&A after a lovely time hanging out with a dear friend:
Q: did I act weird?
A: absolutely, without a doubt
Q: are they gonna tell everyone I'm weird?
A: probably already have
Q: do they hate me now?
A: they say they don't. Inconclusive
Q: same time next week?
A: if you're lucky, you little freak

I'm starting a cult, but no one is allowed to join

I thought Marty Supreme was a Taco Bell secret menu item

Despite what Gordon Ramsay might tell you, it is not a crime to use your teeth when eating food

Call me Gavin Newsom the way I'm blaming this imaginary scenario on trans people

Gotta make absolutely sure to preemptively blame this imagined scenario on trans people too

I hope this email finds you attractive

I once again suspect that all of my friends secretly hate me. When confronted, they claim this isn't the case. But it wouldn't be much of a secret if they just came out and admitted it, now would it?

Buldak ramen hurts me whenever I eat it and I still come crawling back. That should be all the rating they need

You don't understand. If I can't use my wealth to commodify a basic human necessity, I will literally have to get a job