SirDaywalker

many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

doug: I think we’re lost

me: make a u turn

dong: that was not helpful

(twentieth pilot enters cockpit) ok certainly that's the last one

i don’t care about flowers but you can lay a slice of pizza on my grave when i die

asking people if their child is ai generated so they stop showing me pics of their kids

[my first day as a Mexican cop]

ME: *looks at a burning automobile* who did this?

OFFICER: cartel?

ME: *rubs chin thoughtfully* no buddy we’re gonna have to figure this one out on our own

ME: pack a bag, we’re flying to kansas

MY WAYWARD SON: what kind of bag

🎥🎞Film Trivia🎞🎥
George Lucas owns the rights to the term “Episode 1”

If you look at the first episode of any TV Series from 1999 onwards, they all call themselves “Pilot”, a nod to Anakin’s skills on the podracing circuit

A man walks on the sidewalk with two small dogs in his pockets, while a duck on a leash wears shoes. It is captioned “A man with two dogs in his pockets, walking a duck wearing shoes” on a bar mid-photograph.

You wake up in the morning
With gray clouds overhead
And you struggle for the will
To rise up out of bed
The world outside is frightening
A sad and dismal place
You pray for inspiration
A moment of pure grace
Maybe there’s something out there
To take away these blues
Perhaps

Pharmaceutical grade potatoes for dinner

who just straight up drinks milk, you know that shit was squirted out of them wiggly plump fingery boys dangling off an animal with like 87 stomachs right?

Why do I have to pretend that I'm going to print something in order to save it as a PDF. Why do I have to engage in a little ruse.

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when you stick your fingers in it

speed skaters should be called blade runners

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

Me: (seeing Clark Kent with shades): HEY. That cool guy is Superman?

Friend: What cool guy?

Me (as Clark Kent's transition lenses go clear): I... I don't know

Zoom hosts should have an option to turn the meeting into N64 GoldenEye multi-player

anyone else thankful for all the different ways you can eat potato’s

Scuits
Biscuits
Triscuits
Quadscuits

My buddy from New Mexico? I think you mean, my palbuquerque.

in what has turned out to be an excellent prank by 2009 jon, i just got a notification from google calendar that i have "penis surgery" scheduled for today. in the year 2026

"Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" she asks.

"What's a matter baby?" I ask.

I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well, drawing nearby celestial objects inextricably towards it.

"Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"

my grandpa used to say that cows have the most beautiful eyes, and he was known to hype up a passing Santa Gertrudis on the strength of her lash routine. anyway, I think of that whenever I'm confronted by this one actor's gaze, but I cannot think of how to forward this compliment as a sane person.

JD Vance Edges Gavin Newsom in Tight 2028

BREAKING: gavin newsom is couch

a hotdog that’s just hotdog skin

Oh no

eating a powerful mushroom that grants me the strength to survive being bumped into by a turtle one time