Ryan Burkett

A lot of confusion about this outside of Chicago: today is Day 2 of St Patrick’s Week

One of those looks like a tiny Oreo

I’m the only comic reader in my friend group which means I am often secretly googling

As far as I’m concerned it’s an exclusively audio drama

Love watching my favorite show The Pitt

Like for developing photos

Still getting previous residents’ mail five years later

I guess as long as you’re sorry

When I am a billionaire CEO I will simply unlock the deodorant

Already tired of the “good” fast food CEOS dunking on the “bad” fast food CEO. Got so much free time to joke around, grab a fucking broom

In the finale they let me host two-prov in the back room

Corporations aren’t people

If you leave them treats they’ll bring you back a gift, like a quarter or a Golden Globe

2. Would love to experience success

Thank you some of us can’t read

Just looked up where my tax dollars are going trust me you guys do NOT want to know

“Un, deux, trois, FROMAGE!”

— Taking a picture of my French friends

Getting a haircut when USA hockey won gold and all the barbers cheered. It was like a split second of one of those movie montages where everyone everywhere watches the same thing on tv

Godzilla checking the board to see if she got a callback for Stomp

Wouldn’t tap “less” for a million dollars. I read it three times

Two men together at the cinema

Never! (Unless they win an Oscar or something)

The meanest person I’ve met doing comedy is unanimously beloved otherwise and I like to think I was the tipping point like okay that should do it nice from here on

If Lady Gaga hosted a cooking competition when the timer went off she’d say put your fuckin’ paws up

Who up Trader Joesing their flowers

Our frontal lobes aren’t fully formed until twenty-five but before then is when we do some of our best figure skating

I don’t like football but I’m watching the Super Bowl out of loyalty to the Seahawks (my family raises seahawks)

The commentators:

“He’s not —“

“He is. He’s going for it.”

The improvised turtleneck mask is one of my fave movie costumes

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow but does he feel seen