WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then the opposite of a hospital is an orchard.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
How is the rate of fresh hells somehow accelerating?
Did someone fall asleep on the fresh-hell-generator lever?
Two boxes holding little stuffed balls inside that say "Kick Balls"
Thanks for the suggestion but I was already going to
SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march
SCRIBE: i have an ides
SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good
SCRIBE: *idea
SCRIBE:
SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides
inventor of Triscuits: what if you could eat wicker furniture
If Shakespeare was so good how come he didn't write Biodome
First protein cigarette will go hard
i love the internet because instead of watching the news i can learn about the horrors in joke format
Not giving anything up for Lent because I'm three weeks deep into giving up bread (in all its forms) and I'm not saying it's been tough but I would French kiss a duck just to tongue the crumbs from its back teeth.
Hemingway was once bet that he couldn’t write the world’s happiest short story in just 5 words. He replied,
Normalize laughing derisively in men's faces when they deserve it.
THIS COLD DARK RECTANGLE OF SAD AND GLASS IS NOT GIVING ME THE SUPPORT AND COMFORT I REQUIRE.
The Super Bowl is turning 60 which means it’s likely divorced, wearing an Ed Hardy shirt & hitting on women half its age.
Lindsey Vonn is out here skiing in the Olympics without an ACL meanwhile I’ve been putting off assembling the standing desk I bought 7 months ago because my Phillips head screwdriver wasn’t in the very first drawer I checked
Bouquet tosses at weddings are out, bouquet tosses at funerals are in, let’s go who’s next
Sometimes I procrastinate but then sometimes I also PREcrastinate, which is when I get a head start on hyperfixating on something unproductive early on in the day IN CASE something important comes up
imagine using all your free time to be a dipshit online
Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young
Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young
For a badass, I sure do use the term "samesies" a lot
Has anyone checked on Vanilla Ice lately?
Just referred to a pedo who isn’t in the Epstein files as freelance
Judge me not on my face or my weight, but on how I treat animals and service industry workers.
apparently "fuck me up" is not an appropriate response to "how many boxes of Thin Mints?" my b
Probably the worst way to be bullied is to be compared to somebody you've never heard of, forcing you to look up that person and essentially peer review your own humiliation.
asking the associate at the Lowe’s paint desk if they could please use the machine to shake up my can of baked beans
quote posts in the morning: poster’s warning
reposts in the night: poster’s delight
As a red head it’s more like *Fifty Shades of Green
*non-sexual. I just look really good in that color.
told someone I just met that they seem like the type of person to die in a Waymo accident and they avoided me the rest of the night
Suffering from melancholia like the protagonist of a Victorian novel's unseen wife
