John Heap

When you're busy doing the washing up and get asked for your opinions on the Six Nations

Walking past a closed down Brewdog is a pleasant reminder that evil doesn't always triumph

The madman theory isn't a bluff when the 'madman' is...actually mad.

Listening to endless announcements in the "quiet carriage"

I was starting to miss inflation

e.g. 'we will support the protestors but not in any tangible way'

I think the US has wanted and needed a bad guy in Iran for a long time so anyone who wants to 'get tough' can have their moment. They don't actually want the fallout of regime change.

My dishwasher has the comedy timing of Ronnie Barker

Stop getting relegated. That's all I need to say!

So you can now be sent off for denying the opportunity to score a goal that was scored. Well done to the footballing authorities.

Probably easier to extract dinosaur DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber, set up a state of the art park on a tropical island etc the traditional way.

Just pleased I don't have to teach checks and balances in the US constitution these days

I'm a man who gets told to f*** off quite a lot. Today was the first time it happened while I was wearing a Santa hat.

The festive season only starts when you've been let down by Ocado.

A photo of the magazines serial killers and history of Nazi Germany

The Prevent section of WHSmith

Never about the kids is it, Telegraph. Just the numbers.

Probably the BBC's last great learning resource and every programme is a remarkable achievement. He's sadly not alone in voicing this unsubstantiated view of History in schools.

"You know you can order from your table now with the QR code" "Yes, I do but it is never going to happen"

As someone with knowledge and experience of setting #gcse grade boundaries is it safe to turn on the radio again?

"Well done, you've got me driving."

A discontent

You could edit the council press release a little bit

At the birth of my third son the anaesthetist says to my wife "Oh, hello miss..."

Text reads Carlisle almost pounced for an opener inside the first two minutes as former United coach Watson's side tried to play out but walked into United's press.

Enjoyed this paragraph

Really excited both about the book and for you. Just go easy on Henry Williamson.

He just had to run in the direction of Balls Road after exposing himself.

Phone screen showing walk of 29703 steps or 21.46km

A cinnamon bun from Fitzbillies

Open Day at Cambridge yesterday: the half marathon of open days.

Will do. Moved back to the Lakes about 7 years ago. They're in Cockermouth. The Jennings Brewery reopened this week and he can't drink.

I asked the doctors if he could stay in another couple of days so I could be there for the new curry menu. He's home and bored, cheers. I've stolen his dog to stop him trying to walk it.

I unlocked a new Parkrun achievement in Jesmond three weeks ago: running past the Freeman hospital where my dad was recovering from open heart surgery caused by a life of doing too much exercise. Sadly, there isn't a t-shirt for this.