foil

If you're upset just tell AI to tell you to cheer up.

A poem about the weather.

I tried to think of things.
But it was 30c or something like that.
So my head was filled with heat.
And I couldn't think of anything.
I thought about turning on a fan.
But then I remembered I couldn't think of that.
So I just sat there and let fluids leak from my flesh.

Here's one of my poems. It's about love (it's a poem after all).

Alan fell in love with Daisy,
Who had already fallen in love with Peter.
Alan tried to rectify this mistake.
He pulled out a notebook.
Drafted a list of Peter's flaws.
Began reciting them to Daisy.

I wrote a poem about love.

When Ed proposed to Kathy he didn't imagine she'd say yes.
He had to go along with it.
He'd feel bad otherwise.

Here's a poem.

Lance bought two bicycles,
And arranged a date with Gina.
He interrupted her diatribe about work or whatever.
Told her she really ought to be his girlfriend.
That he'd already bought the bike.

Poem about a very obscure character from Greek mythology.

Medusa ran out of mouse guts shampoo.
Her hair became angry.
It snapped at her nose and ears.

Poem from the Peak District.

Frank went hiking.
He walked through a field of sheep!
And then he had to walk through another field of sheep.
And then there was another field of sheep.
Then his legs began to hurt.
Frank started to miss his computer.
There were pictures of sheep on his computer.

I wrote this, that's how I know it's a poem.

'That's right'
Said Phil,
Clueless.

Here's a poem.

Medusa ran out of mouse guts shampoo.
Her hair became angry.
It started snapping at her nose and ears.

My favourite form of comedy is that one where comedians all stand around laughing at each as they struggle to finish sentences and then it's broadcast on television. It's good because you know it must be funny otherwise the professionals wouldn't be laughing.

Smints for breakfast, I think.

John forgot to buy Jane a present!
He sliced off a hand and wrapped it.
Hoped it would come across as creative.
The rest of the morning he wore a glove to avoid spoiling the surprise.
He also ate a lot of things that required ketchup to conceal any spillages.
And tried to maintain consciousness.

Sometimes when I rotate my desk chair it'll catch the curtains and part them slightly. I wonder if my neighbours ever catch it and suspect me of spying on them.

Here's one of my more romantic poems.

John fell in love with his hand.
He liked the convenience.
But he found out he wouldn't be allowed to marry it.
He punched the wall,
And couldn't work out if he should call the police.

Here's a poem.

Peter sat on YouTube.
Watching tutorials about tying knots.
He got a length of string and followed along.
His fingers got all tangled up!
He couldn't operate the mouse to rewind and figure out where he'd gone wrong!

When I'm ruler of the world I'm going to ban store loyalty cards and demand sale advertisements say 'save at least X%' rather than 'save up to X%'

Morris dancing was invented by the monarchy in the UK to be just irritating enough to distract the population from their republican desires, but not quite irritating enough to drive them to murder.

I once went to a party dressed as a pig and ended up being chased for 12 miles by David Cameron. Eventually he tired and I took him to the pub because he looked so upset when he started flagging. He bought a bag of pork scratchings and looked forlornly at my discarded mask.

Here's a poem.

Giuseppe informed everyone he was an Italian.
He stole frozen pizzas from Sainsbury's.
Staff tried to interrupt but he insisted they belong to his people.
When he got home his wife called him Gary, and, quite frankly, ruined his day.

Someone needs to start telling people a factoid isn't a quick fact, it's something believed to be true but isn't. -oid means to resemble. Like how planetoids resemble planets, or humanoids resemble humans. I refused to complete yesterday's NYT Mini because of this.

Today I learned M&S now stock chocolate covered Nice biscuits. My life is in danger.

On an empty train and some guy snorting mucus and coughing his guts up decided sitting right next to me was his ideal location.

Jeff grew his hair.
Ingrid fondled it.
'I like your hair'
Said Ingrid.
Jeff panicked.
What if his hair fell out?
What if this panicking sped up the process?

A poem.

Bungle fell over.
He stayed there for a while.
A good six hours.
Long enough to make it look deliberate.
Stood up,
Dusted himself off,
And went about his day.

I'm looking forward to being dead so people finally appreciate my work. Like writers from the good old days.

Have you heard of Donald Trump? He has two silly names (Donald like the duck and Trump like the fart) but he's not funny at all. Really disappointing.

Prince William knocked on my door asking where his strap-on is. Why the hell would I know? I told him to ask Kate. Suddenly he got really sheepish and said she's not allowed to know about his strap-on collection. I pointed out they've been married for 13 years, she must have him pegged by now.

Jaffa Cakes for lunch.

I heard they used a monkey to represent Robbie Williams in Better Man because Americans don't believe people should be allowed to exist unless they know of them.

Minty messaged his friends.
'I want a new nickname'
He said.
'I think "Biscuit Barrel" would be good.
Additionally, I think it would be appropriate
If I had a constant supply of biscuits,
To ensure the name is fitting.'