Sad, likely

Give a second to your own thoughts and the endless self hate I doubt any therapy can fix just pours out.

Garden art

I dislike people describing what they find visually sexy because I know it will never be me. Catching stray bullets from a convo I'm not even part of urrghh

There's something hurtfully sad to be able to give advice on what to say because you've rehearsed it in your mind so many times, but just know realistically it will never be relevant to you.

In a way it's relieving have someone confirm that you were said some fucked up stuff by your parent as a teen and it's not right, but at the same time it leaves me ruminating further about what if that fucked up stuff wasn't said to me

Or equally normal to wish to attain a terminal illness, at least then I'd have a day to look forward to

It's probably normal and in fact incredibly sexy to wish that I hurt more to be honest

My self disgust is so off the roof lately ughhhh

The first random compliments from strangers happened after I got money and courage to start dressing in the kind of clothes I like. Still rare, but at least it now happens. And it's nice! But also... Is that what women usually experience?

Not being born conventionally attractive sucks in many, many ways, but doubly so that people expect you to have the life experience of a conventionally attractive woman regardless.

I feel like whatever tangled mess I and our relationship is is unrecoverable. It was what it was. I'll continue to play by myself, as I do.

I'm forced to be the first pancake and watch from the sidelines, cheer for the younger sisters (to no fault of their own) for a life I wish I had a chance on having. The completely different memories of the past, the difference in support. I'm glad my mom is getting better at it. At the same time...

My childhood was torn in arguments over who did what and how much did I cost to who. Trying to dissect my dad from memories, I'm sure he loved me as his daughter in his own way but at the same time didn't really want a child. It's odd mix of mixed signals.

I'm starting to understand why it hurts to see my sisters travel with my parents. It's not necessarily that I'd want to join them, it's more that when my dad was traveling, he would say he'd take me next time and then never did. It's the difference of being wanted.

"maybe in time you'll forgive me" I won't. I can't. I'm slowly replacing what you ruined, but why would I ever let you in my house again.

I dunno would it hurt less if I wasn't as aware of you treated the other one, and I will never know, all I know is that you built a foundation requires constant maintenance and affects the building above it.

"I don't want to be responsible of you" while semi understandable and probably said without much behind it, hurts so fucking much even after all these years.

It hurts more than I expected to be in a car with two sisters and their boyfriends, I feel like such a cautionary tale, an ugly failure

I'm like certain few hours ago I had more concrete thoughts about what started this but all that remains is the sorrow

I'm stressed and hopeless, watching people in worse situations than I am and unable to even help them.

Tomorrow is another day for me to wish I don't wake to see it.

I don't think there's anything I can provide to be worth of anything but pity at best. A rotten corpse stuck in an iron maiden, growing poisonous mushrooms no one can eat.

It's not like not getting the love and warmth I desire hurts, it hurts that to begin with I don't believe I deserve it, not now or likely ever.

In a way I feel like I'm rotting from the inside, leaving just a cold void behind

Sometimes the only thing keeping you from suicide is "fuck I gotta dress up and at least do it in front of a government building" and if that gets you to the next day, so be it.

Rationally I know that in part I'm feeling extremely shitty cause I've not slept, but at the same time I do feel like the walls of society are collapsing on me. Seeing other people struggle just makes me feel more hopeless. And EVERYONE is struggling, except the billionaires.

I don't want to sleep I don't want time to pass I want to stay in the lull of the void and if I could just decide to have a full blown eating disorder I'd love to not even give a single thought to food I just don't fucking care I'm so fucking SPENT.

At this point I feel that my hatred towards the taste of alcohol is the only thing keeping me away from becoming an alcoholic. Like, I feel I've tried and cared so much I'm having debt on my debt of shits to give

"maybe covid caused all your lung problems ;(" nope I suspected it loooong before covid but my symptoms were mild and tolerable enough to never seek diagnosis.

NOW, HOWEVER.

I'll never be able to prove that my mom smoking during pregnancy and my childhood (when the side effects were less known so I would just sit on her lap) caused me to have asthma which was then made million times worse by covid but, man. Breathing.

The lipstick on a pig effect, the only addition is the humorousness of the situation.