FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

You can't handle the truth!

It's true tho 🤷🏼😂

It's true!

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then the opposite of a hospital is an orchard.

HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

I'm lethargic as a succulent. It's aloe energy day.

The Baby will be here any minute

(ominous music)

i can’t think of any funny thing this morning
i think i have cheese block

Anybody know how to keep these damn squirrels out of the little birdhouse in my soul

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

The best thing about the internet is how everyone understands irony.

Ok. Got it.

I feel that!

Or 4 tragedies in one act

ME: I like your boots

DATE: They're Doc Martens

ME: And where did the good doctor buy them do you know

HER: I need to see other people

my ventriloquism act is finally ready for the radio

with congestion pricing, is it still possible to be caught between the moon and new york city

I'm sorry. It's not the type of thing I'd Normandy write

Five secretions to get to know me by:

Had a jarring wake-up call today (stepped on the scale after vacation)

Haven't been able to relax since they said the moon relaxing was fake. How could a conspiracy theory land on me like that, all I did was watch the tides get off work

😬😂

If she were still alive, the acclaimed British actress I would most wish to clear my driveway is Joan Plowright.

Bro have you ever even piloted an oil tanker through the Strait of Hormuz bro

every time i say "bequeath" i need to rinse with mouthwash

The planet with the easiest gravity to escape is Planet Fitness.

Boss: Is everything ok?

Me: Yeah, I've been vibe-coding just like you asked.

Boss: All your recent updates just output "work sucks" over and over...

Me: Well yeah. That's a vibe.

Embarrassed that the automatic paper towel dispenser didn’t wave back.

😭😭

My pet chicken????