ObsidianShiv

Rich chud in the 1800's: we need another hour of productivity! (Changes their whole-ass circadian rhythm twice a year while they stay home banging their fifteen year old wife at 11:00AM or some fuck shit)

Profit!

Kids journal with stickers that spell out "I hate you, ur gross. Vote again. FUCK TRUMP. MTTNP (move to the next president) IHTY (i hate you) (angry face)

My I present: my 8 year old

Billionaires are like: PAY MORE

we're like: fuck if I have a choice

*pays more*

I cant feed my family, lol

2026: tiktok is just shitty AI drama shorts and missiles

*checks two boxes on my bingo card*

*takes out notebook and reading glasses while getting peed on*

She only told me she wouldn't mind being peed on in the shower. She never offered to pee on me to be fair.

You never asked! You're the only ckick I would let pee on my face obviously

Very true

Im sorry😂

😂😂😂😂😂

I wouldn't let a lima bean on my face

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?

Breaking news: Giant lady fingers biscuits

Whenever someone blocks me, I block them back harder and I think it’s funny that they don’t even realize I’m winning.

Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those "I really overestimated how much I can carry"

speed skaters should be called blade runners

look, dancing with my pants down in front of the Arby’s might not be the best way to earn money but at least I’m my own boss

if you are trying to steal a car and the alarm goes off you can just snooze it and then you have nine more minutes

Great first date idea: present me with the Loc-Nar in a suspicious metal suitcase.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I'm going to repost something, don't embarrass me this time ok

*past happens*

Well, fuck. I guess.

Trying dawg

put your brain away its
not doing you any good

Pronouncing pirate like irate

🫡

Wondering if the Agatna Hash House Harriers is still a thing. Drinkers with a running problem. Asking for Just Ian.

I was the only one. Standard was knee length. Mine were white and you could see my 12yo asscheeks from the bottom. This was deliberate humiliation. Either that or he was totally into boys.

😂😂😂