𓂒

to be worthy of baldwin

the techniques of unpersoning do not interest me

still the only transition goal i've ever had is "orgasm i unreservedly enjoy"

sucks worst when i put the expectation on myself

it was a frustrating encounter which is why seven years later it is still stuck in my craw!

it is less bad but it was not true twice over: 1. in context, it was a reflexive denial of the agency i was claiming by defining my relation as one of rejection, & 2. it may not end up being sufficient *for me* to leave my relation there but it is not true that flat rejection is off the table

"positive relation" not in the sense of "you have to like it" but rather "you have to explicitly recognize it as shaping you and wrestle with it, not just reject it and be done with it"

but whenever i think about re-engaging, however tentatively, i always get caught on, "but, if i did that, it would prove [redacted] right". at some point, i suppose, i'll let that go; i don't want her to possess me in reverse, as she does now. but not yet, i suppose

she hardly matters, really; it wasn't her who made judaism the torment it was in my childhood, wasn't her who taught me from birth that my existence, my desire, my love wasn't my own, that it was owed to an arbitrary abstraction

i think a lot about a jewish academic i met just once, in early 2019 i think, who when i told her that i had been raised jewish but didn't consider myself so, immediately told me that i couldn't do that, that i had to have some positive relation to it, that even marx & freud wrestled with it

"you cannot exit" always and everywhere serves the ends of abusers

comparable in depth to that which i feel about gender. deeper, if anything, because i have chewed through and made peace with gender

there is a really, really deep well of anger in me for everyone who told me that i could not exit judaism, that my religion was engraved in my person at birth and i got no say in the matter

1. engage judaism in any non-trivial way
2. be mid
3. ?

to-do: make list of things i ought to do but am avoiding because if i did them it would feel like a concession to someone or something i resent

this would be in certain respects annoying

hmmm. hmmm. l

what i was just a person

good luck frank!

wife in the shower singing cruel angel's thesis 🥹

oops! all alexithymia

small flame in a big wind

can't let the play die

i wish i knew what to do with it

very specific pain of "once i knew you, a little, now i don't, at all"

rang in the new year doing mdma with all my lovers, 10/10 would recommend

can confirm

oh you and the transmasc egg have "fallen in love" after a couple of dates? that's really beautiful. please take estrogen i'm dying here

it is beautiful that you are such a mess rn and yes your emotions are very very real to you but also please please please just take the estrogen so you can start the years-long process of Calming Down

so now i'm awake at 2:30, fun