BeTheCookie

Who hurt me? Um, how about the world, you insensitive jerk?

2x2=4
2+2=4
Therefore multiplication and addition are the exact same thing.

I asked AI to drill 12 holes in the brick above my fireplace so I could mount a new mantelpiece. And it couldn’t. So what good is it anyway?

I am tired of the Biden bashing.

He inherited COVID which lardass mismanaged and in the process rescued America.

Yes, inflation peaked at 9% during COVID recovery but it ended at 2.9% with a 2.8 GDP best among industrialized nations.

Biden doesn't deserve scorn, he deserves a fucking medal!!

So you're telling me there's scotch in this egg?

It's Women's Day, the day when every man assures the world we can't mean him as he's one of the good guys.

I won’t be using the term Captain Obvious anymore as I feel it gives too much authority. From now on, I will refer to anyone in that situation as Private First Class Duh.

baja blast bidets

Statistically speaking, every word you say is just noise drowned out in a sea of cacophonous madness. I failed math class, though, so obviously I'm wrong.

not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine

Live your life like you won't ultimately be a footnote in history, but just remember that even the most important world leaders will be reduced to a paragraph in some eighth grader's textbook.

I might have a political opinion, but don't get belligerent about it, I have no influence or sway over the outcomes.

I don’t get any sleep because I’ve never been to Brooklyn

Crazy if literal: octopussy

For whom the cat kneads

[my first day as a Mexican cop]

ME: *looks at a burning automobile* who did this?

OFFICER: cartel?

ME: *rubs chin thoughtfully* no buddy we’re gonna have to figure this one out on our own

interviewer: any weaknesses?

me: my knees

Sorry I was gone so long, but I stepped on a raw lasagna noodle fragment that fell out of my nighty and I died.

The chairman of the Peace Board has bombed 7 countries since his ughauguration.

More like nopeifications.

Markwayne Mullin wasn't mad about Al Green's sign, he was mad that he forgot to bring his "Black People are Apes" sign.

hey babe how about we turn this sad little sinkhole into a cozy little sinkhome

if corporations are people then let them experience anxiety

we're all doing our best, some of us are just bad at it

they should invent girls scout cookies that don't bankrupt you

There is no plural for monorail

To Dave or to Buster, that is the question.

crime AND punishment? in this economy?

you know how no one says "I can't come to the phone right now" anymore

they took that from you

on the ISS it’s called hamburger kepler