Mum

So you think you’re having a bad day?
I just called the toaster a cunt.

Now the bride is crying and I have to leave the wedding.

Apparently I use humour as a defence mechanism to cover for my mental health issues.
Can anyone recommend any medication or shall I just get straight to the craic?

Usain Bolt presented me with his world record on 100m so I'm the fastest man alive now.

What’s all this ‘Welcome, everyone joining from X’? If you were on X until a couple of days ago, fuck you.

Oh yeah nice one kid hook that hope for humanity right into my veins

Ask their mum to look. She’ll find them together in the sock drawer.

Who knew a fish could express "What the fuck was that?" with such ease.

Black smoke from the Vatican chimney means they haven't chosen a new pope yet. White smoke means they've finally decided. If the entire place burns down, it means Trump is pope.

This wrapping paper turns everything into bread 🥖

Created by Japanese designer Ippei Tsujio

What’s the matter? You’ve barely touched your Easter potato.

Oldest declared it would be lame and youngest is too young. I have never been more grateful.

Ah disappointing!

Ooh I got The Dark Knight Rises. Turns out my mum used to take me to feed the ducks at Wayne Manor.

Tapping the sign.

As retaliation for the Tariffs we will now be showing any American made TV show without the last five minutes. Good luck finding out how Frasier got out of that one.

Breaking: Trump to apply tariffs to Skull, Treasure and Barry Island.

if there's one thing Evangelical Christians know it's that having the state execute a beloved dissident always stops that dissident's message from spreading so yeah seeking the death penalty for Luigi Mangione seems smart

She died in binary. That’s dedication. RIP.

Get your injuries checked out dearies x

No YOU broke your wrist 2 weeks ago, just thought it was bruised and decided to get an X-ray today because your thumb is a bit weak and turns out that bone has blood supply and if it doesn’t heal right or breaks again you could lose feeling in your thumb or kill it off completely.

My girlfriend tells me not to put pans in the dishwasher. When she goes out to work I put those bad boys go straight in the dishwasher for a minimum 3 hour boil wash and then back out on the drainer, like they've just been washed by hand, just like she told me. Makes me so happy.

From a Sunday Telegraph story about people who have inherited houses while already owning one, complaining that having to pay double council tax on this second home (if they keep it) is ‘extortion’ and I just…cannot

Cunt in a van cut me off to get in a petrol station. Sitting behind him fuming, I noticed his g/f or wife was with him. He gave her his phone to hold. I texted the number on the van: "The sex was amazing. Same time next week?" The yelling began as soon as he got back in the van.

I’m bringing sweaty back
Hot flushes, mood swings
Don’t overreact

Love isn't blind, it's just willing to turn a blind eye.

Sign in a hospital pointing to the Discharge Lounge.

This club definitely has sticky floors

Yeah I’m kind of a big deal. This one time I got 10 upvotes on Reddit.

"You're so funny" Thanks, I am a twisted abomination molded by years of trauma unable to find any reasonable way to express myself beyond making people maybe crack a smile once or twice with some clever turn of phrase.

I’ve never watched ‘60 Minutes’ but I think it’s about time