beeping

i have so much anger inside me :) haha

There are three ideal dog configurations. One is a single big lab kind of dog. For two dogs you have the lab and then a little yappy kind of dog for contrast and to boss big dog around in a comedy duo relationship. If you have 3 dogs you keep the 2 dogs and add the third type of dog: a cat.

And the for a fourth dog? That’s right, a second cat

fucking pitiful that this is the best you can muster Chris. people are dead. innocent observers. and they were white. which doesn’t matter to me but I bet it matters to you.

There is going to come a time in your life when you are chatting with a guy, at a barbecue or something, a new coworker maybe, a dad at school drop off, and he tells you he used to be in ICE. You’re going to need to spit on that guy

if they did January 6 today, it'd be called "January 6-7." Thank you for reading. RIP Ashley Babbert

FROM: jeesmartfridge@gmail.com
TO: adersh@lawboy.com
SUBJ: Re: Did u get my last message??

yea plx dont email my fridge address

no matter what the circumstances, democrats are always saving their energy for a mythical future situation where they will do something good

You ever look in the dryer and open the lint trap and think, "oh ho, new kind of lint today"

was just skimming through old footage and found this ruthless moment in 1970s baseball broadcasting

putting the ugh in although

Guy Mustard™: The World's First High-Protein Mustard for GUYS

"i dont want to eat a kebab, i want fish and chips" well sorry little buddy but we're at the kebab shop and you're twelve

If your Klein be Naomi, then listen, homie;
But if your Klein be Ezra, disregard what he sezra

Fight against the cold icy grip of irrelevance by playing Magic: The Gathering with characters from The Office

Look at Toad. His edible is just starting to take hold and he needs to tell Frog that instead they should watch Big Trouble in Little China

no way dude. cmon. that cant be it

Starbucks Employee: Venti iced vanilla latte for Charlie?
Conservative Guy: (way too loudly while looking around at everyone) Yes. That is me.
Starbucks Employee: Okay man have a good day.

this shit is just incompatible with humanity. its olestra for the soul

this is some pitch perfect Minnesota Nice

Let’s wrap up the use of devices

Elton John voice:
It seems to me / that you lived your life/ like a fuckin piece of shit

this might be my last chance to hit paydirt and make it rich. time to make 50,000 front facing videos about how the sexiest characteristic a man can have is a head shaped like an inverted ice cream cone

INVENTOR OF THE ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH: i wonder what a mouthful of bees would sound like

[folds menu gently and hands to server]
please may I have the applebee

i hope at my big traveling show where i talk about all the different kinds of people i hate a bunch of my blood doesn't go squirting everywhere