Dreamer

what were you like in high school besides obviously still being an asshole?

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

sure, Mamdani wants to make buses fast and free. what you don’t know is they’ll be blasting Hamilton on loop.

let's frolic on the moon and bury me under moon rocks or nah

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

I miss 1993

Subaru spelled backwards is ur a bus.

Do with that information what you will

I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.

Monday: *exists*

Me: *serves a Cease and Desist order*

I am going to do some screaming now. Join in if you can.

Chill out bro, I got this

-me, right before everything goes horribly, horribly wrong

imagine getting vanilla sky’d and no longer being able to open any apps

Sitting outside watching the sunset for the 1st time in months. 🧡☺️

Fun fact..marriage counselors get divorced as well.

It’s hard to believe there was once a civilization of people who had to memorize phone numbers and didn’t map their way around.

I feel so much safer now that the Ayatollah Khamenei has been replaced by the Ayatollah Khamenei.

Who up eating they feelings?

I have children I’m used to my texts being ignored

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

I just need someone I can slap on the ass every morning and say go get ‘em tiger

umm actually, neutrality means you're choosing the side of the milk hotel

if we could just get the politics out of politics

The only thing better than four martinis is five martinis

I'm not exactly sure what radishes were invented for but it definitely wasn't eating

anteaters should eat a more balanced diet

it's eerie how garbage pail kids basically predicted my dating pool

don’t forget to love fearlessly you piece of shit

THEM: omg they look just like you

ME: did you just call my baby ugly

I went off-roading aka walked through the grass.