Ya know what? I'm just gonna make a roast and ignore anything else that is happening today.
20.01.2025 20:25
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Ya know what? I'm just gonna make a roast and ignore anything else that is happening today.
Mmm, deep fried (insert any food).
Calm down, my doctor prescribed me this arroz con pollo.
Anyone else trying to decide which new unhealthy coping mechanism to pick up for 2025?
*during sex
Me: Do that thing I like.
Her: *velociraptor noises
My dog is such an Aquarius.
behold the healing powers of the potato chip
I was just trying to find some cheese....
PC notification reads “printer could not be printer”
until printer learned to love printer
Oh, you don't have your sister mail you pizza from the pizza place back home? That's weird.
Muppet christmas carol taught me that the only time I feel anything is when I see a coughing frog puppet on crutches
I like saying "I'll allow it" for no reason during a conversation
Anybody else get mozzarella sticks as a gift?
Despite all my rage, I have lots of fear too. I do it all
millennials are the best generation bc we ate the perfect amount of microplastics
Establish dominance by letting mall Santa sit on your lap.
Fingers crossed a porpoise finds me.
your purpose will find you
or a porpoise
i'm still learning how to read these tea leaves
I’ve been trick-or-treating each night since Halloween. People are running out of candy. An old lady gave me the keys to her Buick. One guy hit me with a broom
sometimes i sleep with the covers over my head for no reason (jk it’s cause vampires)
Wanna take mushrooms and watch the yule log channel for 12 hours?
Drones in New Jersey would make such a beautiful name for a rock song
*slides note that says 'salsa of Christ' into church suggestion box*
He's talking a lot of shit, so I'll take all the help I can get.
I'm willing to learn some magic to help me not lose to my nephew in fantasy football again this week.
priest: body of christ
me: yes chef
i just learned that i'm the evil twin
just wanna retire and go live in some quaint seaside town with my cat where i run a little bookstore that sells magical potions and spells that turn idiots into frogs and maybe help solve a local murder every now and then.
i put chips and salsa down as my emergency contact.
Me: [leaning in for a kiss] "Thanks for all you do for me."
Barista: [leans back] “Ma'am, just pay for the coffee please.”