Your local holiday parade is like a strange dream. Mrs. Claus drives a firetruck. Realtors pelt you with candy. Your dentist waves from a flatbed trailer. He’s dressed as the grinch
Had that fever dream about the seed catalog again
Trapped yet another seagull in my glovebox for reasons that are getting increasingly difficult to remember
One can’t get through the work day on flaky croissants alone.
Sorry I sat at your desk eating flaky croissants the entire time you were on vacation.
yeah well, between disassociation and existential dread I keep pretty busy
jimmy crack corn and frankly, i'm fucking livid.
guided meditation
Imagine your body melting into a puddle. A bird swoops down to drink that puddle. Then an alligator eats the bird. Don't forget to breathe.
Tell me again how your mom stole the neighbor's animatronic reindeer & hid it in the laundry room plugged in, ticking & whirling for 7 years
During this hectic season it’s so important to take a break and enjoy a ride on a purloined zamboni
Meowing so loud but no one’s here to hear it
limited edition marzipan-flavored WD40, for the holidays
Holiday cookie decoration made e-z! And slippery.
The smell of your seasonal coffee drink is making people's throats close fyi
What do we want?
Non sequiturs!
When do we want them?
Seals are mammals!
Neighbors keep asking if I've seen their stolen patio furniture. Yes I've seen your patio furniture, it's beautiful, that's why I stole it
i once ate a christmas tree for the electrolytes
the temperature has reached cat on lap at all times degrees
*puts turkey back into the attic*
Calm* before the storm
*that godforsaken three story tall illuminated reindeer with an attitude and sparkly balls hasn’t gone up across the street yet.
goodnight sweet ones, rest well. tomorrow the war on christmas begins
jellyfish look so elegant compared to other types of goo
This is seriously cutting into the time that I normally have set aside for evolving into a crab
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Your backyard chickens solemnly crowd around the remains of your holiday table. See Tom, hisses the alpha, I told you I’d feast upon your bones. Pass the neck, squawks one. Wings flap in the cranberry sauce. A fluffy butt is dusted with yams, a fresh egg rests in the casserole dish.
Can I bring my 13 friends?
Just reply ‘THAT’S A GOOD MEAT BIRD’ to anyone who says anything to you today
