My body does not wanna today.
14.03.2026 12:33
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I think I’ve only had one other show that has demanded this much from me physically and mentally, but this is the shit I just love. As much as I’m struggling with my own issues of never feeling good enough, I feel fulfilled and like I’m working hard.
I can’t just go to sleep when I get home from rehearsals or a show. I have too much adrenaline and too many thoughts… and I have rehearsal tomorrow morning, so I definitely need to sleep.
I don’t love trying to pick songs to learn and sing. I’m not good at it. There are just too many choices, and usually I have a deadline and it’s a bit nerve-wracking. 😬
Got to leave work a little early today, so now I have an extra half hour, which may not seem like a lot, but I’ll take what I can get!
And being an intense perfectionist when it comes to anything I do and struggling with never being enough makes this so much more stressful.
I want to preface this by saying that I’m grateful to be busy right now…
However, I have so much on my plate, that it’s so overwhelming and just trying to do the best I can to put work into every little thing.
It’s really hard to defeat this feeling of never being good enough, or even just enough. Today was much harder to do that. Ugh! It’s just so heavy to carry all of the time.
And it’s not like a big deal, but it is something that super scares me, especially with my confidence being absolutely shattered… But I said yes to do it, and I’m going to do the best I can.
I was just asked to do something that makes me really nervous, but decided to take the opportunity because sometimes you have to do things that scare you.
Found a bruise near my left eye as I was getting ready earlier this morning. Where the fuck did that come from?!
Oh, I know it, and I make sure he knows it too.
Played*
Oh well, it’s too late now. It’s out there now. 🤣
Taken earlier today. My boy player so hard outside, his hair was just out of control. 🤣
So much darkness in the world, so here’s a little timeline cleanse.
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Taking my puppers for a walk is one of my favorite daily activities. It’s a fun thing for both of us, but I love how much he loves it.
This torrential downpour makes me want to go home immediately, get comfy, and sleep.
I actually said no to someone today. It didn’t feel good, but I had to do it. The tiniest step forward.
I understand why.
It’s not the football wife you’re thinking of, I’m sure. It didn’t take much to be blocked by her at all.
Not sure if this super counts as a celebrity, but one block that I’m most proud of… A football player’s wife got pissed at me when I said her joke about trans people wasn’t acceptable. She blew up at me, and when her followers told her she was overreacting, she blocked me. 🤣
Seems like such a silly thing to block someone for honestly.
In fairness, I also don’t know what day it is most of the time.
One thing about doing a show is that I have no idea what’s happening with the Sabres anymore. 😆 Apparently they’re doing well.
I know I have to sleep, but I just don’t want to.
Some people have zero ability to do some self-reflection, unfortunately.
But I got through today and I did okay! I will play with it more, but people seemed happy with it, so there’s that… My confidence and sense of self as a performer has been absolutely shattered this year, so I’m hoping I can find myself again with this show.
Just got home from rehearsal. Today I was terrified because we were working on my number, and I’ve been struggling so much with myself as a performer this year because I’ve been failing a lot. It’s scary to walk in a room with complete rockstars and I’m just this pile of laundry that’s given up…
