BUG-EYED CAT

not only will malört cure what ails you, it also acts as a grave deterrent against future viruses

all my hells are farm to table for maximum freshness

when do you think he’ll have his face carved into the resolute desk?

keeping america safe with a $100,000 strategic defense piano

🤞🏻

what target doesn’t get is that it’s far easier to forgive an enemy who stabs you in the back than someone who claims to be a friend and stabs you in the back

i keep forgetting target still exists

once i was offered parsnips and when i said yes a bunch of little tiny parses ran out from the kitchen and bit me

iran could really flummox the u.s. if they say they’ll only open fire on ships in the straight of hormuz that they believe are drug boats

watching step-mom porn and thinking to myself that young man is too old to still be living with his parents

my button is gummies which kinda look like buttons and now i’m starting to blow my own mind

casting yourself as the villain, bold choice

today i’m starting the roofing nail and magnet diet. I’ll let you know how it goes

Sun Tzu (D-NY) - “When your enemy is making a mistake, fix it for him at great cost to yourself.”

If knowing is half the battle, then not knowing is the other half. So I'm winning half the battle regardless of my level of knowledge on a subject.

in some parts of L.A. there are guys who will drag on old sofa onto their front lawn and just sit there drinking all day with their buddies and those fine gentlemen are gods to me

this sounds very much like a democrat about to vote in support of war funding

god frowns upon this sort of behavior unless of course they are hitched

when we order chinese takeout my wife and i always laugh at how many pairs of chopsticks they give us. they must think we’re having a party or something

the question of which do you prefer, smooth or crunchy peanut butter is not nearly so intriguing as which do you prefer, smooth or crunchy mayo

they should invent a philosophy professor that isn’t obsessed with corn dogs

i always assumed he was a philosophy professor by the way he just goes on and on about corn dogs

before i vote on a verdict your honor i will need to consult with my moots

i honestly can’t tell if the control chip putin put in trump’s brain is working or if it’s constantly shorting out and causing him to just do the most random crazy shit

and don’t forget to twist those sconces boys and girls

looks like it’s working fine

part of me wants details, but mostly i do not want any details whatsoever

it’s called breaking news because it’s trying to break your will to live

Where do you see yourself in five years?

i saw bruno ares perform with silk phonic in greece once