Paul Eggleston

Birthday Dishonors List 2026 As I complete another lap of the sun, I always like to take a moment to review my creative ‘highlights’ from the last year… You’re welcome! X

On the occasion of my birthday, here's some 'highlights' from the last 12 months...
wp.me/p4jzDV-3l

SMTC - Jekyll & Hyde - The Regal Stowmarket Wed 3 Jun to Sat 6 Jun

Very excited to be heading back on stage for this amazing show! Rehearsals now underway...
regalstowmarket.co.uk/RegalStowmar...

Just got out of the shower and accidentally knelt on a colander that someone had left lying around.
I think I'm ok, just strained my knee a little.

Just got out of the shower and accidentally knelt on a colander that someone had left lying around.
I think I'm ok, just strained my knee a little.

I can't stop watching a video of a lamb frolicking on a tightrope. I thought I could get away with just seeing it once, but I have a real problem with on-line gambolling.

I can't stop watching a video of a lamb frolicking on a tightrope. I thought I could get away with just seeing it once, but I have a real problem with on-line gambolling.

- My mate found an ancient packet of Polos in a reception room in a historic London building. He's just tried one.
- How's his off parlour-mint?
- House of Lords, actually.

Stop being nasty about the lack of variety in my frozen legume shop.
Just bean ice.

An hour dancing on grave may result in sore head? (8)

- Why is it dark in here?
- *abruptly* With the lights out, it's less dangerous.
- Well there's no need for such a Kurt reply.

[POLICE OFFICER SELECTION INTERVIEW]
- Tell me about your experience.
- Well, since I left school I've mainly worked doing pedicures for difficult cats.
- Wait, your CV said you had years of experience in...
- *quietly* Claw Enforcement.

There once was a hypnotist poodle,
Who'd use pastry to mess with your noodle,
Your mind he'd subvert,
Through German dessert,
Then claim he was just misconstrudel.

- As a treat I'm going to cook you some calf meat whilst singing an Aretha Franklin song in the style of Jay Aston from Bucks Fizz.
- You make me veal like a not-Cheryl woman?
- No, 'Respect'.

- Why is it dark in here?
- *abruptly* With the lights out, it's less dangerous.
- Well there's no need for such a Kurt reply.

[POLICE OFFICER SELECTION INTERVIEW]
- Tell me about your experience.
- Well, since I left school I've mainly worked doing pedicures for difficult cats.
- Wait, your CV said you had years of experience in...
- *quietly* Claw Enforcement.

There once was a hypnotist poodle,
Who'd use pastry to mess with your noodle,
Your mind he'd subvert,
Through German dessert,
Then claim he was just misconstrudel.

- As a treat I'm going to cook you some calf meat whilst singing an Aretha Franklin song in the style of Jay Aston from Bucks Fizz.
- You make me veal like a not-Cheryl woman?
- No, 'Respect'.

- I've just ordered a new *very naughty* fancy dress outfit from my supplier in Paris.
- French made?
- No, Dennis the Menace.

Based on my general experience, I'd say don't get into body piercings for nursery rhyme characters just to fund a shelter for your outdoor swimming area. That said, when Humpty Dumpty asked me to do his nose, I did achieve my goal. But that's the egg septum that rooves the pool.

This is my finest ever work btw, and I won't hear a word to the contrary.

Based on my general experience, I'd say don't get into body piercings for nursery rhyme characters just to fund a shelter for your outdoor swimming area. That said, when Humpty Dumpty asked me to do his nose, I did achieve my goal. But that's the egg septum that rooves the pool.

Elvis Presley's hound dog kept getting arrested because he was tryin' all the crime.

There's a brilliant urban legend that Jerry Lee Lewis once employed a Japanese hostess just to alter the documents on wooden shipping containers. Good myth's Geisha's crate falsifier!

I just bought a double disc LP, but the second record had one completely blank surface. Which left me feeling D-Side diddly unhappy.

Not even sorry.

There's a brilliant urban legend that Jerry Lee Lewis once employed a Japanese hostess just to alter the documents on wooden shipping containers. Good myth's Geisha's crate falsifier!

I just bought a double disc LP, but the second record had one completely blank surface. Which left me feeling D-Side diddly unhappy.

- I saw that chap from Ultravox in a beauty salon today. He was very excitable.
- Manic Ure?
- No, I think he was getting his eyebrows waxed.

I like to shower like Frank Sinatra did, and so I face the vinyl curtain.

I've spent ages trying to pick this up, but it's not moving. Must be one of them bar nickels.