Lisa, Duchess of Netflix

Every time I say “that’s insane” just know I don’t mean it. I’m barely listening. I’m picturing a small frog with a job.

Florida woman caught going 136 mph says she was just having stomach issues If having a stomach ache were a free pass to drive like a rocket, an Orlando woman might have had a case — but police say pain is not a valid excuse for hitting

I am actually looking foward to this law catching on in other states
cbs12.com/news/local/f...

lady, look around, the world is on fire i can’t also deal with your condescending looks over me forgetting my reusable bags

I remember when SunnyD used to be made with real sun

more coffee will help, surely nothing bad will happen after more coffee

Can someone explain to me what I’m talking about?

I’m not hanging on by a thread. I’m hanging on by lint

Daylight saving time but it’s just me convincing myself it’s actually 9 pm when it’s 10 pm for the rest of my life.

you don't hear much about wet heaving

I decided to start wearing all the clothes I've been 'saving', for occasions that may never come.
I might be wearing sequins to pick up a prescription, later.

spring ahead, motherfucker

USDA official: you don’t qualify for food stamps

me: oh, snap

USDA official: you can’t get SNAP, either

me: what

Whenever I see or hear someone believing that the modern American army is fighting for our freedom, I just think of a grown ass man who never stopped believing in Santa.

Chill out bro, I got this

-me, right before everything goes horribly, horribly wrong

deep kissing is an antidepressant

This is all so unnecessarily fucking stupid, and destructive.

My sighing has gotten so loud it can be mistaken for the mating call of a humpback whale

Happy International Women’s 23 Hours.

Get used to earning less than your male counterparts, sweetheart. Now smile dammit, you are so much prettier when you smile.

Tweet by Philip Proudfoot saying Switzerland stopped being neutral after condemning U.S.–Israeli attacks on Iran as a violation of international law, quoting an Al Jazeera Breaking News headline.

A Swiss kick in the ass.

The dread that creeps in when you leave the house.

i’m just a fig newton of your imagination

cleaning my vacuum cleaner, thereby becoming a vacuum cleaner. in this essay i

90s Captain Ahab: Thar she blows. Thar she blows again.

madea, as in messy
madera, as in saucey
moderna, as in dopey
medina, as in funky and cold

A headline reading “Camel pageant thrown into chaos after 20 competitors disqualified for using hump-plumping injectables”

Yes everything is terrible but let’s not lose sight of the fact that someone has written the Headline to End All Headlines.

a raccoon standing in an aisle at the library

what is he doing here? he can’t even read

wanting to say “you look like my sister” but terrified my face makes it a threat.

Sign on white paper, stuck on a vending machine: "OUT OF ORDER Removing this sign will not make it work"

Monday Mood

A rando on the internet made a statement

Another rando on the internet replied:

No it’s the opposite

And then another rando replied to that saying that the second rando was correct

None of them provided any evidence

Welp. Sounds like case closed

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it