m.

they were hanging out without me again, even sent me a selfie, and i know i shouldn't think like this but i just feel like they enjoy more when it's just the two of them

i feel like some of my irls hate me

obviously i got little to no pictures of myself from the bad decade (8 to 18) but maybe that's for the better

looking at my childhood photos makes me realise yet again how young i was when things got bad

randomly remembered how my father knows by my voice if i'm smiling or not and now i'm crying bc how can he hurt me so badly time and time again yet still know if i'm smiling or not

i've been on a break from writing for weeks now. it makes me feel like a failure and a traitor. but it has also been nice, so i'm continuing the break. i just wish this would pass.

i feel like no matter what i do or how i do it, nothing is good enough. i hate that i've become a perfectionist. it hasn't been like this before, and i don't know what would help.

i fear words have left me for good. i literally get anxious even thinking about my writing hobby. i feel like i've built my identity on the fact that i was once a writer and now everytime i struggle with writing, i struggle with myself as well and vice versa. god i hate this.

nothing quite like crying while having a panic attack

shitpost of the evening:
i hope you know that when i die and you piss on my grave, i'm under there with my mouth wide open :]

i feel lonely again

don't get me wrong, i LOVE moodboards, but making them takes so much time and effort that i easily get exhausted from it :(

i already planned it so only the people who follow me on main can interact with it, but maybe i'll need to do some more alterations just in case everyone wants a moodboard or smth

like, i really want to make nice things for my friends & followers bc it makes me happy when they're happy, but i'm also suffering from massive burnout irl.. :(

so i'm really excited about the valentine's interaction thingy i planned for my main but also i'm scared that my burnout will stop me from doing it :(

of course i would never be able to actually do anything like that. i just have a lot of bottled up rage :]

fucked up thought of this evening:
i wanna make the rich fight each other till death and when there's only one of them left i'll kill them myself. giving them hope and taking it away at the final moments would make me feel better :]

i'll look into it when i have the energy <3

also. sometimes i feel like i don't get enough love and affection and it makes me CRANKY AS HELL even tho I KNOW it's not anyone's duty or job to love me. i guess i'm too needy?? it does make sense tho, considering my childhood and how i didn't get enough of anything really.

i've talked about these things with them multiple times now and they say they understand but i'm not convinced tbh. might just be my bpd, idk.

i often feel like my irls hate me and even tho i know it's not true i still find myself making myself small around them. idk sometimes it feels like they don't care about me nearly as much as i care about them. sucks ass.