T'Other Simon

Hahahaha!

That is... astonishing.

Apologies. I didn't see the sign. *slowly climbs down off Len*

Yeah. The guys he speaks to in the street just seem like sad, lost little boys who are too stupid to realise that they're believing absolute codswallop, but think that it offers them some sort of way out of their situation.

Watching that new Louis Theroux thing. Those blokes are almost comedically tragic. Epic losers in expensive cars.

"We're pretty... pretty vacant, Mrs. Levinson".

Just watched a bit of footage of the Sex Pistols with Frank Carter and I can't help but feel that he looks a bit like The League of Gentlemen did a 'punk rock' character, and Mark Gatiss played him.

I wrote a stupid tongue twister song. Here it is.

You don't know where to look. It's just a feeling of total embarrassment. And by the time there's full, sweaty penetration you just wish the ground would swallow you up - and you're thinking "Please! Mum! Dad! Stop it! You're spoiling the film!".

Did anyone else have that awkward situation when, as a teenager, you were in the lounge with your parents, watching a movie - and then out of the blue - uh oh! There's kissing... Oh no! Fondling?! You know where THIS is heading! Her top's off... His top's off... The pants come off...

@flups.bsky.social Happy birthday! Hope you have a fantastic one! 🙂

No idea.

This time last week I was walking home when I spotted a black and white cat with what I'd describe as a 'distinctive black moustache'. I didn't think much of it until a few days later I saw a poster saying "Cat missing. Hugo is black and white and has a distinctive black moustache". Being the nice guy I am, I texted the number and asked them if he was still missing. He was, they told me, and worst of all it's not even their cat - they were cat-sitting him for their daughter and son-in-law. I told them where I'd seen him and vowed to keep an eye out for him. Yesterday I decided to go for a run. I left the house and trotted a few yards up the road and there - right in front of me - was the same cat! Black and white with a distinctive black moustache! I tried to get close to him but he was very skittish and nervous and kept running away. Probably scared, I thought. At the same time as trying to keep tabs on the wayward feline, I phoned the number I'd been texting. "I think I can see Hugo! He's hiding under a car on someone's driveway". She told me she'd let her son-in-law know ASAP.

In the meantime I'd got my son to bring me some ham. I thought I'd try to coax Hugo out of hiding with it. At this point I noticed that the woman who lived in the house had spotted me crouching outside her home, making "psssssst" noises and waving some cold meat at the underside of her car. She was looking understandably perplexed. "I'm not being weird" I yelled up at her window. "There's a cat and..." - I didn't get to finish my explanation before she backed away from the window. While this was happening the other lady called me back and told me that her son-in-law was on his way. He'd be ten minutes. That's not generally a long time - but it's more than enough when you're crouching down and making smooching sounds at a Citroen Saxo, while the owner silently looks on, scared and confused. It was a long ten minutes. Eventually a man arrived, with a cat-carrying-case. He thanked me for getting in touch and I showed him where the cat was. He looked under the car to see a black and white cat, with a distinctive black moustache, eating a slice of oak-smoked - then he turned to me and said - ever so politely - "That's not Hugo". Bugger.

Three years since this happened. Oh man.

I suspect so. Or a different document from around that time.

YVW

I'm going to start using non-standard acronyms ITOWY.

Craft activities for kids.

bsky.app/profile/actu...

Funny name, but hey - he lived to a hell of an age.

'Demi Moore' sounds like a pretentious way of saying '50% extra'.

[Picture of a five pound note with an unlikely person depicted on it]

Amazon review: 'It's very uncomfortable. Everyone in our family keeps falling out of it'. Absolutely brilliant.

This one in particular has made me laugh out loud several times.

I'm looking at buying a hammock and keep getting distracted by laughing at all the one star reviews where people say stuff like "Awful product. The first time I tried to use it I sat down and toppled over backwards onto my patio. I demand a refund".

A Pizza Express advert, saying "Guess who's back", with a pixelated image.

Feels like they WANT people to reply "Prince Andrew?" doesn't it?

Having said that, I had a vague idea and have just found it again.

I suspect it's nobody anyone would've heard of (and - honestly - I can't remember his exact name). I suspect it was a gong show type thing, cos surely the Comedy Store aren't booking THAT, right?!

Nobody well known. I'm not going to name them.

COMEDIAN (lazily) DESTROYS HECKLER (with someone else's joke from about nine hundred years ago)!!!1!!1!!! MUST WATCH!!

Just seen a video posted by a comedian, showing them supposedly 'destroying' a (female) heckler by using the old line "I don't come to *your* place of work and knock the cocks out of your mouth, do I?". It was at the Comedy Store, of all places.

In 2026.

And this comic had posted it *proudly*.

Honestly - she's more likely to call me a fuckin' idiot. And be right, once again.