Whimsikel

I’ve had three gallons of Mountain Dew today and I’m ready to fight the sun.

He was regal, like the cinemas

The past tense of squeeze is squoze.
I will not be taking questions at this time.

Classic rock only exists to let you know when you got old.

Spring forward.
Fall apart.

imagine being mad at me and i’m at home chucking nuts and seeds across my driveway hoping that just one corvid will notice me

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is I'm totally lying about there being any good news.

I put a coexist sticker on my truck and I post memes on the bluesky everyday, idk what more you could possibly want from me.

We’re going to have a masque, an incredible masque, a masque of death, even, if you can believe it. They say “oh you can’t do it you can’t do it in the castle” but we are going to do it I can tell you, we are doing it with so many colors but mainly red, red the most beautiful red you’ve ever seen

What you guys need to do is go outside. Get some air, talk to some girls. Get rejected. One time I handed a girl my phone number and she looked at it and handed it back to me. See now THAT builds character

She was striking, like an angry picket line.

When I was young I did hope to live in interesting times, but that’s not how I would describe these.

Do we take our meds? Do we go to work? I don’t know what to wear to a Revolution

She was sultry, like a swamp.

I didn't think the Beatles were as groundbreaking as people said, but the lyric, "I heard the news today, oh boy," really hits nowadays

Feminine? No way. Maybe a femifour of femifive with my beauty sleep.

I’m not saying I’m having a midlife crisis, but I recently turned 50, joined the local Kiwanis club, joined a co-ed adult ice hockey team, and adopted three more cats.

Okay this abyss ain't gonna stare into itself

Why do we call it running errands, rather than store trek?

*gets a papercut*

"Please, donate my body to science."

My imaginary band needs a bass player, so I have to learn to play bass now.

Do you ever think about the grand scale of the universe, and how even the most spectacular and majestic dick is actually just a tiny speck?

Still punk as fuck, I murmur as I download a new weather app

She was rare, like a politician with integrity.

Love my new morning routine of waking up, brewing some coffee, logging on and checking the End Times Billboard to see what new Calamities were pinned there overnight. Then I ride that cortisol high, like I'm surfing on piranhas and broken glass, baby.

Every ten minutes here is like:
- Trump doubles student debt
- Musk now has keys to your house and is in your bathroom doing plumbing drugs
- Three planes just crashed
- Trump signs EO making women illegal
- Face-melted Nazi from Indiana Jones now in charge of CIA
- Meteor not arriving fast enough

They saw that nothing happened after +1000 school shootings, so plane crashes should be no big deal.

If your partner:

- Makes promises and doesn't keep them.
- Refuses to acknowledge their mistakes.
- Says they want the best for you while harboring ulterior motives.

They're not your partner, they're your government.

looking back, AOL had it right. 30 hours of internet per month was the right amount.

Sorry I’m late, I screamed at all the cars as loud as I could